Heart's Betrayal
by AnnaChase
Summary: Love is blind, they say, and it truly was. As blind as a pitch black night was my love for the Chosen One.
1. Growing Up

**Author's Note: **The main character of this story is Lucia Malfoy, the 3 year younger sister of Draco. The fic is slightly AU, for the final battle has not yet taken place while Harry and the rest are about 20 now, but don't worry, that doesn't mean I've forgotten all about our darling Voldie! Read and find out, and oh, I'd very much appreciate it if you would like to leave me a review, for that encourages me to write more as soon as possible! Enjoy!

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**Heart's Betrayal**

**1. ****Growing Up **

My heart pounded audibly in my ears when I descended the stairs to the pitch dark dungeons. He had summoned me, only me, and that filled me with a pride so much stronger than the fear of the reason why I felt in combination.

"My Lord?" At the bottom of the stairs, I stood still hesitantly. My eyes were still used to the bright light from upstairs; down here I couldn't even see my own hands. Without a sound, suddenly a bright circle of light appeared from the middle of the room, and he was there with his snake-like eyes and an appearance no one sane would be able to describe as attractive, but radiating with power. Power I so craved. "You summoned me?" Despite nerves and the eagerness to please him I managed to keep my voice from shaking and my hands from trembling.

"Yes, Lucia, come closer", Lord Voldemort finally spoke. I gladly obliged and knelt down before him, pressing a kiss to his ring as I always did.

"I know you carry the Dark Mark proudly", he continued when I did not speak and merely held my head bowed in respect. "More so than your brother Draco, and your father". These words caused me to look up. I was very much aware how scared Draco and father were, how they served the Dark Lord only in order to not get killed. My case was very different. I had wanted to join the Dark Lord, even though it was not expected of me because I was a girl. Not once had the thought occurred to me, though, that he would have noticed a difference between me, my father, and my brother.

Lord Voldemort chuckled lightly. "Don't look so surprised, Lucia. The Dark Lord always knows everything."

"Of course my Lord", I hastily replied. There was a silence in which neither of us spoke; but I could feel his eyes penetrating my soul. Somehow I did not seem to mind.

"You are not afraid of me", he continued eventually. His words brought confusion upon me. Should I be afraid? Did he expect me to be? It was true that all the other Death Eaters were, besides aunt Bella perhaps.

"Do I have a reason to be afraid, my Lord? You know I have never failed you", I dared to say.

"Indeed you have not", Lord Voldemort said. He got up from his throne-like chair and started to pace the dungeon. "You are the youngest Death Eater to ever join my ranks, but also one of the best. You kill mercilessly, I have seen so myself".

His praising words took my confusion away and replaced it, yet again, with gleaming pride. I wanted to be the best. Better than father, better than uncle Rodolphus and Draco, and especially better than aunt Bella.

"Within a month you will come of age; an important day, no doubt. You will no longer be a child".

I nodded; I couldn't wait till I was seventeen. Hopefully then finally the other Death Eaters would stop seeing me as 'Little Lucy'.

"Therefore, I believe now the time is right to appoint you a real mission".

My heart skipped a beat. I had wanted a special mission to show the Dark Lord my abilities for so long. Finally he believed me to be ready. "What do you wish me to do, my Lord?"

"Surely you understand, Lucia, how important it is for me to know the details of the where and what-about's of my enemies?" Voldemort started. I felt his red, snake-like eyes wander over my appearance as if trying to see whether he had not made a mistake in thinking of a mission only for me. I would prove him he was not wrong, whatever it was. I nodded my head; of course I understood. "Certainly, my Lord. Do you wish me to spy on the Order of the Phoenix?"

Voldemort chuckled, I presumed at my eagerness, again before continuing: "You're very clever, I noticed. But to answer your question: no, I do not wish you to spy upon the Order of the Phoenix. They are not my main concern for the moment, and some of my other Death Eaters are watching them. I wish you, and you alone, to get information from Harry Potter".

For a moment I was at a loss for words. I must say I never expected something big like that; I wasn't stupid, I knew how skilled and trained Harry Potter was. How would he ever interact with me? Unable to hide my concerns I decided to express them to my master. "But, my Lord, Harry Potter is not stupid! He knows who I am and will definitely not trust important information upon me!"

"You dare to question my orders Lucia??" He didn't yell, but there was a very dangerous undertone in his voice that told me not to press any further. Fortunately I have never had to endure the Cruciatus Curse myself, but I had witnessed the other Death Eaters, and of course my victims, get tortured, and that was quite enough already. Quickly I shook my head, my eyes, a mix of my father's gray ones and my mother's blue ones, were widened in fear. Perhaps I had crossed a line by openly expressing my doubt. "Never your orders, my Lord, simply my abilities", I said, desperately trying to cover up the mistake I'd made.

"I would never have appointed you such an important mission if I had not had faith in you, Lucia. Your aunt Bellatrix has been notified of your task, I assume she will have some useful…advice, for you. Now, I expect frequent reports, and of course you are aware that failure will not be permitted."

I nodded hastily, not intending to say anything else in case I brought myself in danger again. Fortunately no more speaking was necessary.

"You may go now", Voldemort said. Before I could speak even another syllable he had already disapparated from the dungeons.

Still rather shaky, I rose to my feet and straightened the white dress I was wearing. It didn't surprise me at all that when I climbed the stairs out of the dungeons aunt Bella was already waiting for me. On moments like these I understood everyone's fear for her, and my own I couldn't deny I had, for she looked rather intimidating with her dark hair and eyes and sharp features that so obviously indicated she was no sweetheart.

"Aunt Bella". I stood still in front of her. "I was unaware we still had a lesson this late?" Ever since I had received my dark mark a year ago I had not been permitted to return to Hogwarts. Instead, I was home school taught by both my father and aunt Bella. After all, they possessed all the knowledge of the Dark Arts I was supposed to know.

"Lucia. I take it the Dark Lord has inquired you of his mission for you?" She apparently decided to ignore my earlier question.

I nodded, wondering what she had in store for me this time. Knowing her it probably wouldn't be a tea party. "Yes, the Dark Lord was rather clear with his instructions".

"Then I also take it you're aware of how you're going to perform the task?"

This silenced me. Was I aware? In truth, I had no idea how I was going to extract information from the famous Harry Potter. I'd be lucky if I could spend 5 minutes in his presence without getting hexed or at least disarmed. "No… I've not quite figured that out yet, aunt Bella". I was aware my tone had dropped from a tad superior to more than a tad insecure in no more than a minute.

"Exactly what I was afraid of. Follow me".

Without a clue of what was awaiting me I followed aunt Bella upstairs, finding myself even more surprised when we entered the room she and uncle Rodolphus shared ever since they had broke out of Azkaban.

"Let me take a look at you". She pushed me over to the window where I stood in the light of the full moon. Seconds ticked by slowly and I watched my aunt's face curiously. Just when I started to wonder whether this was a test I was pushed down on a chair and she started to rummage through her large oak wooden closet. Minutes later she presented me a pair of dresses.

"It's not that bad. Your hair could be worse, and thank Merlin you've inherited your mother's good figure", aunt Bella started. I looked surprised; in her words this was almost a compliment, but I had cheered too soon. "However, your complexion is as pale as a vampire and you have the cup size of a twelve year old", she continued.

I frowned and studied myself in the mirror hanging opposite me. I was really starting to wonder what this could possibly have to do with my task. "Ehm, aunt Bellatrix?" I addressed her hesitantly. "I thought… you were supposed to help me with my task."

"Yes, do you think I'm doing this for fun?" she snapped. "How do you think you're going to extract that information from the Potter boy? Smile at him?" There was mockery in her dark eyes and I was beginning to realise what she was hinting at. A rather unpleasant feeling crept over me.

"You're not a woman for nothing, Lucia. It's time you learn to use your feminine charms. Now, where were we? Ah yes, your clothes. They're expensive, of course, made of the finest material and fashionable, yet they do not make you very remarkable. Rather plain. The same goes for your make-up. It's all good for a girl, but not for the woman you're supposed to be now. Fortunately, I found some dresses that should fit you." She held a long, black dress in front of me. "Go try it on", she ordered. I could tell she was getting impatient. Rather confusedly I accepted the dress and waited for her to turn around or leave the room so I could change.

"What? Are we prim too now?"

With a sigh I shook my head and quickly changed into the dress. I must say I was not at all so pleased with how tight it seemed to hug my figure, and even less with how it was a lot more revealing than I was used to. I tried to get a glimpse of myself in the mirror, but aunt Bella was blocking my view. "What do you think?" I asked hesitantly.

She said nothing for a while, appeared to be thinking deeply. "Turn around", she eventually said. I did as asked and slowly turned my back to her. "And back again." When we faced each other again I saw a look upon my aunt's face that might very well resemble approval. "It will do", was her final judgement. She walked up to me and pulled my hair from its casual bun. I hardly ever wore it down; I preferred a ponytail or a bun so it wouldn't hang in my face.

"You will spoil your curls if you put your hair up all the time. Wear it down". I nodded; what else was I supposed to do? Duel my aunt for a hair-issue?

"And now the make-up." Once again she pushed me down in a chair. Before I could do anything to stop her aunt Bella had started to apply all sorts of make-up to my natural-looking face. I couldn't exactly see what she was doing and wasn't sure if I really wanted to, either. After a while she was done and stepped away from me. "Go and take a look now".

I rose from the chair and walked over to the mirror at last. What I saw made me turn around again almost immediately from shock. I hardly recognised the girl, no, woman, in the mirror. It appeared to be a younger, blonde version of aunt Bellatrix. A notorious difference, so to say, but I had to admit it wasn't such a bad difference. I'd lost the angelic little girl-look, and that wasn't so awful.

"Before you get all too vain; save this look till you come of age. Your mother would have a right fit if you showed up at dinner like this, let alone your father. Remember, Lucia, for the rest of this month you're still a girl".

"Yes aunt Bella", I replied, tearing my eyes away from my new self in the mirror. "But what do I do about Harry Potter?"

"I can't tell you everything you need to do, it's your task not mine, but let's just say that if he's only the slightest bit of the man I expect him to be by now, he'll be more than ready to ditch the ginger weasel-girl and go for a real woman".

-Merlin, I hope she's right-, I thought worriedly. I could already sense that this task was not going to be easy. Far from it.


	2. Midnight Rendezvous

**2. Midnight Rendezvous **

My hands trembled lightly as I waited behind a large oak tree. Harry had arrived several minutes ago already, but I wanted to let him wait a few more minutes, make him a little bit more eager to find out who had sent him the mysterious owl with a note that said only: '_Meet my behind the Shrieking Shack at midnight'. _The fact that he had at least shown up was a relief but a frightening thing at the same time. What was I going to do? I knew my goals, but not how to reach them. No matter how much aunt Bella played with my hair, make-up and outfits I still had trouble seeing myself as the _femme fatale _she expected me to be.

I studied Harry's face in the distance; he checked his watch a few times, and appeared a little bit annoyed. I couldn't blame him; he probably thought this was some joke. I wondered why he had shown up in the first place, but I should probably consider that sheer luck. Or bad luck, I had all the potential to fail miserable at this, after all.

It was already ten past twelve, I knew I couldn't wait any longer now, Harry looked like he was about to leave any minute. I presume it was curiosity what has kept him here till now. With my heart beating fast, I stepped out from behind the tree and showed myself to the Boy Who Lived. "Hello Harry".

It took him a few minutes to recognise me; after all, he hadn't seen me for at least three years. We caught glimpses of each other in Diagon Alley sometimes, but were never face-to-face like we were now.

"Lucia?" His tone was confused and uncertain. At least he still remembered my name. Not that anyone would forget the name of a Malfoy, but still. "You sent me the letter?"

I nodded and approached him further. "Yes, Harry". I wasn't surprised when he drew his wand. In fact, I had expected it and consciously left my own wand safely tucked inside my robes. He needed to trust me, and a Disarming Charm for starters would make that even harder than it already was.

"I have no bad intentions", I said, sounding a lot calmer than I felt as his wand was still aimed at my heart.

"You're a Death Eater", Harry said. "What do you want from me?"

"Why did you show up here?" Full of new courage since I wasn't hexed, stunned, or even disarmed yet, I dared to take a step closer in his direction. His eyes were greener than I remembered, but perhaps I had never taken a good look at them in the first place.

"What do you want, Lucia?" he repeated, now with an annoyed undertone in his voice.

"I wanted to talk to you", I said softly. I hated the way I sounded pathetic and sad, but this was Harry Potter; he was nothing like the Death Eater-men I hung around all day and night. The Boy Who Lived had a sensitive spot for people in trouble, or so the _Prophet_ said. "Please just listen to me for two minutes, after that you can leave, or hex me all you want if you still doubt my sincerity".

Harry did not seem completely convinced, but he lowered his wand. I sat down on a bench and started my dramatic monologue. "I know what you think of me. You see me no different than my father, my aunt, or any other Death Eater".

"Do I have any reasons to?" Harry stood still and made no attempt to come closer to me.

"I never had a choice, Harry. If I had refused to become a Death Eater I would have been killed! Wouldn't you have done just the same?"

"I never would have assigned myself to a faith I was against, no matter what the consequence" Harry said. Of course, how could I forget, he was the hero that always did everything right.

"Not everyone is as brave as you are". I gave him half a smile to make sure he didn't doubt my words.

"Why are you telling me all this, Lucia?"

Hadn't aunt Bella said it would be easy once I prepared well enough? That meant, the right 'look' would get him over the bridge. Apparently, that didn't work on Boy Wonder. I was starting to get more frustrated, what if I would fail? Perhaps I had to get to the point more, men never did seem to understand women-logics, after all. "I've been thinking of you for a while now, Harry. I know it's a bit sudden, but I think… I think I'm in love with you". If that didn't work, then I was sure I was toast. I hardly dared to look up to Harry, but when I eventually did, a relieved sigh escaped me. He looked so puzzled and confused that I knew it was now or never. Slowly, yet securely, I made my way over to him. "Does this shock you?"

"I don't know, Lucia, I hardly know you, do I? Plus, you're a Death Eater, and I'm in love with someone else", Harry said eventually. He was trying to act normally, but I sensed my confession had made him nervous. Of course it would, from what I've heard he'd never been very good with the girls and had never in his life done something wild. Not that I'd been such a wild girl, but I heard stories from my brother sometimes of the things some boys his age do…

"You're in love with Ginny Weasley. And yes, I am a Death Eater, but I already told you, Harry, I never had a choice. It was that or lose everything. My life, perhaps, too. You can't blame me for that", I pleaded, very much aware I was starting to sound more like a pathetic teenager every minute.

"Maybe not, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm not going to cheat on Ginny". I could tell he was getting more and more uncomfortable and was unsure what to do with this situation.

"Cheating is overrated, Harry". I took another step closer to him. And another one. And another. I took so much steps that eventually our faces were inches apart. I could feel his breath, hot and nervous on my face. My nerves and insecurities were gone when I kissed him full on the lips. Our kiss tasted sweet and good, not at all like the lies and betrayal that were only just getting started. It lasted only a minute before he pulled away from me. "I can't do this, Lucia! I love Ginny. Not you". He might as well have slapped me in the face for the same effect. Not that I wanted Harry to love me, I just found myself having a bit of trouble finding a balance between my and his situation. I was grateful for the mission the Dark Lord had given to me, but I'd rather get back to killing. Much easier, much less complicated, but he had assigned me _this _task, so I would do whatever I could to please him.

"She won't hear anything unless you tell her", I said quietly. I tried to take his hand, but he pulled away from me again. It would have been better if he had thrown himself at my feet right away, but we had to start small. It was something that I had managed to so evidently bring confusion upon him. There was no need to rush things, anyway.

Harry said nothing anymore on the matter. "I should go. Ginny's waiting". I merely nodded. "We'll meet again soon", I promised him.

"Maybe, Lucia". He turned around and disapparated, leaving me behind as a confused and uncertain young girl. I knew I had done my best, but had it been enough?

Back at Malfoy Manor, most of the lights in the house were off. I expected my mother to be asleep already, and the other Death Eaters were probably still out on their missions. I preferred not to turn on the lights; the darkness had always comforted me. I could see nothing that was there, so it was easy to pretend nothing actually was. My cloak was heavy on my frail shoulders, so I took it off and carried it over my arm. A small gasp escaped me as I suddenly felt a cold hand on my shoulder, causing me to turn around, hand already on the wand inside my robes.

"Aunt Bellatrix". I should have expected it to be her, of course, but you never knew.

"Bad conscience, dear niece?" there was that smug grin on her face again. It suited her, though I knew from pictures that aunt Bella was nowhere near as pretty as she used to be anymore. Azkaban had done that to her.

"Not as bad as yours", I replied casually, causing her to chuckle. I knew no one who had the same possibility to give you goose bumps with a mere chuckle. It didn't last long, though, before she got to business.

"Well, how did it go? You're back so early". Not in the mood to talk now, because I was so tired, I started to climb the stairs up to my room. Of course she followed me; I had not expected anything less. "Answer me, Lucia". Patience was not a thing very well known to my aunt. As soon as her voice was starting to get a dangerous edge, such as now, it was best for your own good to reply.

"It went well, aunt Bella." We entered my room and I still refused to turn on the lights.

"How well?"

"Well enough, for a first time". Sitting down on my ebony-wooden four poster bed, I took off my high-heeled shoes, 'borrowed' from mother for the occasion. Since I was not used to wearing such high heels, my feet were killing me.

Aunt Bella said nothing, but just stared at me with her eyes that could get that insane look in them when she was left unsatisfied. Her eyes only revealed the danger she was capable of, the being able to harm and to kill without conscience. I wondered, did I look like her? Never had I wondered such a thing before, for everybody always told me I was the spitting image of my mother, Narcissa. When I was killing, I could be just as cold-blooded as Bellatrix was, but not always. Minutes ago with Harry Potter I had felt like an insecure little girl, unable to please her master. I knew I was only getting started, but the fear of failure to my Dark Lord was more frightening than any look I could ever get from my aunt. I knew she would never allow herself to be so insecure. The question was, did I want to look like her? My eyes went over her harsh face, her thin yet powerful appearance, and her dark, long curls, stopping to rest on those eyes that could provoke so much fear with a look itself. I came to the conclusion I did not know whether I wanted to look like her or not, or if I already did. Perhaps time would learn.

"He was very hesitant. Kept telling me he did not want to cheat on his girlfriend, that Weasley- girl", I eventually said. "I had not expected him to jump on me immediately, aunt". This time it was me chuckling, but even in my own ears it sounded more pleasant than the same sound coming from her.

"Well, perhaps you should have shown a little more effort, but at least he's into girls. Not that I expected anything else from the sickeningly good Potter", aunt Bella spoke. This time she laughed, an eerie sound filling the silent room.

"I couldn't do too much the first time. He has to get used to the idea first. He now thinks I'm in love with him, that's something, right?"

"I suppose so", Bellatrix said. "You could have done worse. I'll leave you to your thoughts then, good night Lucia".

"Good night aunt Bella".

When she was out, I slowly breathed out and laid flat on my back on the bed. A lot of thoughts were going through my head, so much they were giving me a head ache. Partly I felt relieved and satisfied, because step one had sort of went well. It was only fair that it did, because I'd been well prepared. In the past few weeks I had done all sorts of research about Harry's life, I'd even had Yaxley and Dolohov as my personal spies for a few days. Hard work was always rewarded, the Dark Lord said sometimes. I sincerely hoped it would, in my case. Too tired to change into my pyjamas, I drew the blankets up to my chin and drifted off into a deep, deep sleep. Tomorrow I would come of age, an important day. The day I would leave my childhood behind me, and become an adult. The woman I needed to be to truly win Harry's trust.


	3. Coming of Age

**3. Coming of Age**

Bright sunlight shone through the only half-closed curtains and woke me up from my dreams sooner than I had wanted. Nothing of my surroundings pointed out that today was going to different from an ordinary day, yet I knew it was. Today was the day I had waited for a very long time. Today, I would come of age.

I threw the heavy dark green blankets off me and sat up in my large four-poster bed. I always enjoyed the quiet early morning hours at the Manor; there were not yet sounding any hushed conversations between father and the death eaters, and everything was still nice and quiet, as if I were the only one living there. The first thing I did after I got out of bed was enter my private bathroom and run myself a hot bath. I could sense today was going to be very special; everything would go the way I wanted it to. I smiled as warm, vanilla& rosemary scented bubbles relaxed my slightly tense muscles. It was a delightful thing to be able to say that I, Lucrecia Bellatrix Malfoy, was an adult at last. After my bath I got dressed into a set of new, silver and black robes and used a drying spell on my hair while I studied my reflection in the mirror. I didn't look any different than I did yesterday; it was hard to believe I was a woman now. Nevertheless, it felt good to be seventeen. At least I could legally do magic at home now. Not that anyone had noticed I had already been doing so for ages. The Ministry, or whatever was left of it, had better things to do these days.

When I looked sufficiently well I left my chambers in the East Wing of the Manor and made my way down the stairs, where I found father and mother and my brother Draco already at breakfast.

"Happy birthday, dear", mother said as I greeted her good morning with a kiss on the cheek.

Father was, as usually, too busy to notice anything while he read a copy of _The Daily Prophet _undoubtedly scanning it for important things that were really not supposed to be in there. However, he did look up this once when I greeted him in the same manner as mother and seated myself between him and Draco.

"Happy birthday, Lucia", he said, and my brother followed his example. Was there any time when that boy thought for himself? I often wondered if it was really his ambition to become a clone of father.

"Seventeen is a very important birthday, darling. You're of age now, our little princess", my mother started. I looked up from my toast and nodded as if this truly was new information for me.

"Therefore", mother continued, "we have a little gift for you already. The rest of the presents you'll receive at the ball tonight, of course".

I glanced at Draco, who shrugged unknowingly, and took a small but beautifully wrapped up package from my mother. I opened it carefully, curiously, and was delighted to find a pair of beautiful, real diamond long earrings. It was like they were made especially for me, I'd been wanting a pair of such earrings since forever!

"Thank you, mother, father, they're wonderful!" I exclaimed. Mother seemed to beam at my response and continued on her toast with a satisfied look on her face.

"I knew they would be just what you'd like", she said simply. The rest of breakfast went by rather quietly. I listened to Draco and father talk of some upcoming mission and decided to make a trip to Diagon Alley with mother to buy some last-minute accessories for the ball of tonight.

We left just before lunch and took our time in the most expensive shops there were, as was very typical for my family. Of course I had already gotten my ball dress weeks ago, but a new pair of shoes was always handy, as were some new pieces of jewellery. At noon me and mother had lunch in a new little café and discussed our bargains as well as the upcoming party. However, I soon noticed there was something she needed to get off her chest. I did not have to wait long.

"You're out a lot lately, Lucia", mother started, casually stirring her tea. I followed her example and pretended to not know where this was leading to.

"Not during the day, so you can still see me enough", I said.

"This is not about me not seeing you enough", she replied. "I'm concerned, Lucia".

"There is no need to be, mother, I can take care of myself". I suspected mother was the only one who did not know of my 'task'. Aunt Bella had probably inquired father and I expected him to believe mother would be even more worried than she already was once she learned I was facing such an important task for the Dark Lord. It was probably a wise decision, but he could not possibly think mother would not notice anything? She may not be a death eater but she definitely is not stupid. Doubts formed in my head; should I tell her? Would it be better not to?

"I know you can take care of yourself, dear, you're of age now". Mother smiled and put her hand on mine. "But I am still your mother, and I believe it is a mother's job to worry about her children".

A smile formed on my lips; I could never be mad at my mother. There were times, especially when I was younger, when I had wished my mother was more like Mrs. Weasley, whom I had seen a few times on platform 9 ¾ hugging and embracing her children. My mother always kept her distance and hardly showed emotion in public; that was a part of our Pureblood status. As a child I did not yet realise that and also longed for hugs and kisses, but now I admired her for it.

"There is nothing you need to worry about", I told her, in a tone that I believe quite indicated that I was not going to tell anything else about the matter. Mother still did not seem satisfied, but at least she dropped the topic for now, and we went back to discussing my new shoes.

Hours later I found myself in my room, getting ready for the ball of the evening; the ball that would be held to celebrate my coming of age. In the mirror I studied my reflection just as I had done that particular morning. The dress I was wearing was ivory; the traditional shade of white almost all Pureblood girls wore on their coming of age ball. It indicated innocence and virginity, the readiness for marriage, entering womanhood, and countless other things. My reflection made me smile; the slim waist and feminine curves on other places indeed indicated I had left my childhood behind me.

In my ears shone the long diamond earrings I had earlier gotten from mother and father as a birthday present, and my blond hair was done up so it was lifted off my neck nicely. Only a few loose curls decorated my face on either side. It was true I looked quite like a woman now, I thought, putting on some soft pink lipstick. Not that I had never seen the Death Eaters and their sons stare at me before…

Downstairs I heard more and more guests arrive, and eventually I decided it was time to go down to my own party. As I slowly descended the stairs I took in the beautiful decorations that the house elves always managed to put up whenever there was one of our notorious balls. I could see the Slytherin flag priding in several corners of the house, so it was obvious no one else was welcome here. Pureblood pride was always a main theme at our parties here. I had never really noticed or let it bother me before. Now I noticed.

The party went on as every other one did. Despite the excited feeling that I was of age and could be considered a woman now, it was quite boring. I found myself standing by my brother and his air headed friends Crabbe and Goyle. I did not know if it were possible to get more stupid by the minute, but if it was these two were the living examples of it. It surprised me Draco put up with them, though he would probably put up with anyone that would follow his so-called 'lead'. Perhaps that was why the two of us never got along. Perhaps it was all power play.

Finding myself too bored to listen to Quidditch-talk any longer I excused myself and got another glass of the finest champagne from one of the house elves. My mind wandered, for the first time that day, to my mission. Aunt Bella had mentioned I needed practise, and I suppose she was right. But with whom…? In any way not Crabbe and Goyle, I would choose any blood traitor, perhaps even a mudblood, over their graceless, ugly appearances. My gaze rested upon another friend of my brother's; Blaise Zabini, a year or four older than me, pureblood, attractive. Just what I was looking for.

Glass of champagne still in my hand, I walked over to Blaise. Surely I was now to be praised for thinking of my mission even on a day like this?

"Enjoying yourself?" I asked Blaise casually, joining him at an empty spot in the corner he was stood.

"Very much so. Happy birthday, Lucia", he said to me. "I'm sure my parents brought you a present".

I chuckled at how childish he still seemed to think I was, getting excited over birthday presents. "That's lovely, though I've quite grown past the time I was merely interested in gifts". The flirtatious smile I gave him could hardly be mistaken.

"Then what _are _you interested in?" Blaise responded.

"Oh, I'm interested in a lot of things". I twirled a blond curl around my index finger, something I had learned from a few friends I used to have at Hogwarts. Girls, all older than me.

"Such as?" he asked, a small smirk forming on his handsome face.

"Such as dancing", I replied, my eyes wandering over the many neatly dressed-up couples already occupying the dance floor.

"Ah, I'll take that as a hint, then". Blaise took my hand and guided me to the dance floor. Being the well-raised pureblood children we were, all the ones present possessed at least some basic dancing skills, with the exception, of course ,of Crabbe& Goyle. My skills, I could safely say, were far above mediocre, and I was quite pleased to experience the same could be said about Blaise's.

"You dance well", I complemented him.

"Why thank you, Lucia. The same could be said about you", he replied. We danced all evening; the music gave me all the energy I needed. Before we knew it, midnight had passed and some of the present elderly couples had left already. I looked into Blaise's brown eyes. His intentions were obvious, I had noticed his eyes wandering to places on my body lower than appropriate. I would be lying, though, if I said I did not want the same as he did, only I had different reasons. I did not act out of sheer lust, but out of responsibility. I would never admit it, but I was afraid. Very afraid, to not know what to do once my mission with Potter finally got somewhere. Everyone always told me that it would come to me naturally, but what if it did not? This worried me greatly. Hopefully some practise with this boy would make me a little bit more confidant.

"I wouldn't mind a rest", I whispered in his ear when the song we'd been dancing to ended. Blaise and I left the dance floor, and I took him to an empty corner. "Is it just me, or is it very hot in here?" I laid a hand on my cheek, undoubtedly they were flushed and not as pale as usually.

"It is quite warm. If you want you can show me the gardens outside, that way we can cool down", Blaise suggested. With a small nod, I agreed. At least he had more manners than the regular boy; they would have bluntly suggested to go upstairs right away.

"I love everything about Malfoy Manor, Lucia", Blaise told me once we were walking outside, my arm linked through his.

"I'm glad you do", I replied politely, casually. When I was younger and still read too much silly stories, I promised myself I would only do 'it' out of love, and when I did, I would not call it sex but making love. As I grew up, however, I discovered that love is a pretty fairy tale there was no room for in a time of war like this. Especially not with someone who had a mission like mine. It was a pity, but I believe I had gotten used to the idea.

"I mean, the house really suits you", he continued. This caused me to roll my eyes. Was he ever going to get down to business? I certainly didn't have forever, at least not for him.

"Did you really come here to discuss the flowers and the house?" I asked the boy boldly. I could see my question caught him off guard. He quickly recovered, fortunately.

"Now now, don't blame me for trying to be careful and take things easy with Draco's little sister", Blaise said.

"I swear to Merlin, if you ever speak of me as a fragile little girl again I will hex you into the fifth stage of hell or whatever thing there is as bad" I said angrily. I often considered my brother as weak, and when people referred to me as more little and therefore weaker than him, it enraged me.

Blaise merely chuckled. Perhaps he thought I had not meant that? Silly boy. "Well, if you insist, miss Malfoy". He placed his hands on my waist and pressed his lips onto mine. There was nothing gentle or sweet or pure about this, it wasn't like my kiss with Harry had been. He didn't even take the time, or ask for permission, before he allowed his hands to slide up, over my stomach. I pulled him over to a bench in a corner somewhere, where no one who happened to look out of the window would see us, and ran my fingers through his hair.

"Are you a virgin, Lucia?" he asked with a smirk so wide I would gladly hit him.

"Perhaps", I replied, tilting my head back a little bit as he started to kiss my neck. "It's none of your business, is it?"

"It is if you're going to take me upstairs". He chuckled lightly when his eyes met mine. I stood up abruptly and walked back to the great glass backdoors of the Manor.

"Hey, where are you going?" Blaise called after me.

"To take you upstairs, are you coming or not?" I said impatiently. Best to waist as little time as possible with this. Of course he did not hesitate any longer and followed me. I took hold of his hand as we made our way to the dense crowd and climbed the stairs. No one would notice we had left; father and mother were too busy impressing the elite.

Before I had even closed the door of my room Blaise had already picked up where we left of and had started kissing me. This caused me to frown a little, it went a little too fast for my liking.

"Lovely room" he said between kisses. It did not take long before we had moved over to my carefully made bed. I found myself lying under him, his hands everywhere. I didn't want it. It was too fast. Not like this.

"Stop!" I had said before I could think clearly. Blaise stared at me as if he had just seen a ghost.

"What? But you took me up here! You've been eyeing at me all night, and now you just turn me down? Why, are you afraid?" Suddenly I did no longer think he was decent at all. If I could I would run away and hide, like a frightened little girl. That sounded rather odd, a Death Eater running away for such a simple thing as sex. I wondered what was wrong with me.

"I'm sorry. I changed my mind, now go before we would have to do this the hard way."

He glared at me, hard, but stood up and left. I let out a sigh and held my head in my hands. Why did I do this? Why did I almost screw up my mission for a stupid fairy tale dream?


	4. Real Progress

**4. Real Progress **

"You daft little girl!" Aunt Bella's voice shrieked shrilly in my ears, the sound echoing in my head that longed for the silence it needed in the early morning hours. 8 AM was much too early for a class with your evil, somewhat insane aunt the day after your coming of age ball. Especially when the aunt in question started screaming after you confessed that your plan to help you get more insight in the mission failed miserably.

"Why, why couldn't you do it? What's so hard about it, he wasn't Crabbe or Goyle, was he?!" aunt Bella snapped at me. At times like these I almost pitied her victims. That is, if they hadn't been muggles or mudbloods or blood traitors. I looked down, attempting to study the cold basement floor.

"No aunt Bella. I'm sorry. I just… I felt nothing for him" I confessed, unsure of what else I could possibly say. Perhaps she would understand? The seconds after that I learned I was very wrong there.

"You _felt _nothing, Lucia? Is that what you think this is about? 'Feelings'?!" she laughed in an insane way that surely was not a sound produced by amusement, or at least not the normal kind of amusement. "Have I learned you nothing?! You are a Death Eater; you should scare away from absolutely NOTHING!"

I was starting to wish I had lied. Why had I been so foolish to tell her the truth? The reply was obvious; because I was worried and needed advice on what to do next. At the moment, though, there was no other option but to let aunt Bella's outburst wash over me.

"Potter has no use to an inexperienced, frightened, little girl!" she continued. "Why would he put his trust in someone like that?!"

There was a silence, so apparently she expected me to reply to that. "He would not, aunt Bellatrix" I said obediently, knowing that it was what she wanted to hear. "I would make a fool of myself like that" I added for extra credit.

"I'm glad you realise that, Lucia". She appeared to be content with my answer. "But there's nothing to do about it now, you'll have to do without the extra experience, I suppose."

"What? No! I must… there are other boys. Men", I protested. Failure was still not an option! I needed the experience; I could see that now I'd woken from my absurd fairy tale reverie.

"We're wasting too much time. The Dark Lord wants results, and soon" aunt Bella snapped. "You will see him tonight, and make some real progress".

As said as done. That same evening I found myself making a stroll in the park with the Boy Who Lived, Undesirable Number One, or, as I preferred to call him, Harry Potter. Again, I was surprised that he had agreed to come see me. Perhaps the kiss we shared last time had made an impression after all.

"I'm glad you came" I told him as we walked through the dark.

"You said that already" Harry replied curtly. I could tell he was still suspicious. I would probably be too, if the enemy suddenly appeared interested in me.

"Why did you come, Harry? You're obviously still very suspicious about me and my intentions, but if I wanted to do something bad to you I would have already done it last time wouldn't I? We were alone for quite some time then". My words appeared the have the required effect; by the frown on Potter's face I could see he was thinking over what I said.

"May be, Lucia, but you're still a Malfoy. I know your father, and your brother, have close connections to Voldemort"

"So that's what this is all about, then? My surname. Did we not discuss this last time too? I'm not too fond of déja-vu's, you know" I replied. Maybe I had to be a little nicer, or would that draw suspicion too? This was more difficult than anything I had ever done.

"You live with Death Eaters, that's not a small, unimportant little detail you know" said Harry. "You carry the Dark Mark".

"I always get judged by my family, while that's not at all fair. I only received the Mark because I was afraid of the consequences if I did not take it" I said, my eyes surely over bright in the moonlight.

"Well, maybe you're forced to do something evil to me because you're afraid of the consequences too" said Harry.

"That's not true, Harry" I said softly. He was dangerously close to the truth.

"How can I be sure?"

"You'll just have to take my word for it." The path we were walking on was barely visible, lit only by the nearly full moon. I was starting to think some 'real progress' would be rather hard, if Potter continued to have this attitude. "I don't think I can do anything about it, other than tell you that your suspicions are incorrect". For a while we walked in silence. I wondered what he was thinking, and if it was doing any good on my behalf.

"I don't even know why I came" Harry said suddenly, out of nothing. "But I was curious… I mean, last time was sort of, nice". Even in the dark I noticed a blush had crept up his face.

I managed a soft smile. "I thought so too. I was afraid to contact you again… Ginny."

"Last time you said you didn't care" Harry said confused.

"I didn't say I didn't care .I said she couldn't as long as she didn't know."

"We're not really together. I mean, we were for a while, but it was rather complicated" he explained, and I gladly noticed it was the first time he did not sound annoyed. Quite an accomplishment, but of course aunt Bella would not yet find it enough.

"I see" a smile played across my face, pale in the moonlight. "I'm afraid I can't promise you that we won't be complicated".

Harry chuckled, genuinely. "No, but I hardly think anything can manage to not be complicated for me at the moment"

I smiled at him, and suddenly noticed we had stood still. Now on our second date things were a little less strange and new, it made me feel at least slightly more comfortable.

"So Ginny's not your girlfriend?" I dared ask. Harry shook his head. "No, Ginny's not my girlfriend".

"That's good. I mean, convenient. I mean…I'm babbling, am I?".

Harry smiled a little before he nodded. We continued to walk. Subconsciously, I linked my arm through his. He didn't seem to mind.

"I don't do anything for the Dark Lord if I can help it" I said. It was a good thing I was born with the ability to lie. Not to everyone, though; certain family members seemed to be able to look straight into my soul, but that might also be because I had not yet learned any occlumency.

"And can you?" asked Harry.

"Can I what?" I asked, rather puzzled.

"Help it."

"Oh… I suppose. I do try, you know. I've not been on any sort of mission ever since my birthday". This, at least was true. Well, not any mission besides this one, but I could not tell him that, naturally.

"That's good then." It was quite obvious Harry didn't know how to respond or what to say. He was as anti-Death Eater as possible, and now he was having a date with one.

"Harry, when are you going to trust me?" I asked softly, unable to stand the uncomfortable silence any longer.

'I don't know, Lucia" he replied earnestly. "I really want to believe you, but it's hard to trust anybody these days"

I looked down at the ground. "I understand. The same goes for me. If I didn't trust you I'd expect you to draw your wand on me any second now".

"I wouldn't do that" Harry said. "You know I wouldn't, don't you?"

"You did last time" I reminded him only half-serious. And we were back to being quiet again.

"Let's have a seat here" he suggested, nodding at a small wooden bench under a big tree. I was glad he was taking at least some sort of initiative and followed him there. As I sat down beside him I subtly let me arm brush against his. It felt nice. Somewhere in the back of my head I was aware that it shouldn't, this was merely business, after all.

I let out a soft sigh, praying for anything to happen that would make this easier. It felt so awkward, but I didn't know what to talk about.

"Look. Lucia. I'm not so great with these…things"

"These things?"

"Date, I mean. I'm awful at it, as I'm sure you've noticed".

I smiled in relief at this epiphany. "Oh! But that's fine, Harry! I'm not good at it either". We shared a smile and a laugh; it looked like the ice was broken at last.

"I thought you were rather good last time, you know, when we…" an actual grin had appeared on Harry's face, his green eyes lighting up in the pale moonlight. I felt a warm blush creeping up on my face again.

"Thank you" I replied with a smile.

"So maybe… we could… do it again. To see if we can even improve things". Harry was blushing too now.

"I wouldn't mind that". Before I had a chance to say anything else his lips had found mine and the world appeared to exist only of us. No Dark Lord, no Order of the Phoenix, no Death Eaters. Just Harry and I. Everything came to us naturally at that point, it did not seem to matter that neither of us had much experience. Somehow I had put my arms around his neck and my fingers were running through his untidy black hair. When he put his hands on my waist everything seemed to be perfect, the way it should be. Of course I should not be thinking like that. This was work, the mission. I could be happy though, for I was making some definite progress here.

I liked the feeling of Harry's warm breath on my face. The moment was so sweet it almost made me forget it wasn't real. Well, it was real for him. For me it was all a lie.

I let his lips move to kiss my neck, exploring till he found the spot that drew a little moan from me. This was so different than it had been with Blaise, yet it should have been the other way around. I should not be enjoying my private time with the Undesirable Number One.

"What are you thinking about?" Harry whispered in my ear, stroking a few strands of blond hair out of my face.

"You. You're sweet" I replied, leaning in to his embrace.

"So are you" Harry said with a slight chuckle. "And pretty" his voice had dropped to a whisper again.

I smiled softly. "Thank you." I let my hands rest on his shoulders as we shared another kiss. I thought we could stay there for hours, just kissing like that, a few innocent touches… It couldn't last forever though, I should have known.

"I have to go…" Harry announced after a while. At least he did sound like he regretted it. "Ron and Hermione will be worried; they don't know where I went"

My fingers ran through his hair a last time that evening, before I nodded. He removed his hands from my sides involuntarily, and I supposed that was a rather good thing.

"I have to see you again soon" I whispered in his ear. The dubious content of the word 'have' here did not go unnoticed by me.

Harry nodded. "Yes. Soon." It appeared as if I had completely caught him off guard by our little intimacies. Perhaps this was what aunt Bella meant by 'real progress'? Perhaps he was falling in love with me at last.


	5. Do What You Must

**5. Do what you must **

As soon as I entered my house the sound of half-drunk and laughing Death Eaters surrounded me. I took off my coat and went to head upstairs right away; I was not in the mood for senseless chats. Unfortunately, I appeared to have cheered too soon, for the tall appearance of Rabastan Lestrange, younger brother-in-law of my aunt Bella, stood in the doorframe of the sitting room.

"Lucia, do come join us for a drink". It didn't sound much like a question to me.

"I would love to, but I'm rather tired" I replied coldly, setting to continue my way upstairs. However, he prevented me from doing so by putting his hand on my shoulder rather firmly.

"But I insist"

Turning around, I noticed the dangerous look in his eyes and decided it was better to give him his way tonight. The middle of the night was definitely no time to make a scene, not with my parents around.

"All right, one drink". I followed Rabastan into the sitting room where the heavy scent of Firewhiskey almost made me nauseous. I was pleased to see that at least my parents were not there, I never did like to meet them after the mission, especially not my mother who was still suspicious. To my surprise Draco was in the room. I was amused to see he had severed himself from father's side; it rarely happened these days. When Rabastan handed me a glass of the much dreaded Firewhiskey I did not seat myself beside my brother. If possible I tended to avoid conversations with him. We'd never been very close.

Rabastan and some of the other Death Eaters were all watching me, so I took a careful sip and somehow managed to keep myself from coughing; I wouldn't give them that satisfaction.

"So Lucia" Rabastan said conversationally. "We wondered what you've been up to lately. You hardly join us during missions anymore at night. Not gotten scared, have you?" They all laughed, besides Draco. It looked like he was pretending he weren't there.

"No, I've been occupied elsewhere".

"Where? What have you been up to?"

"That, is between me and the Dark Lord" I said coldly, finishing my glass in two large gulps. It was less bad when you drank it fast, I noticed. "Now if you'll all excuse me, I've had a rough day." I put the glass down and went back to the safe, dark hallway. The hand on my arm, completely unexpected, caught me off guard so much I almost screamed. Another hand on my mouth prevented me from doing so.

"You feel so superior to the rest of us, yet right now I don't see you capable of throwing me of. " Rabastan's hoarse voice said in my ear.

I noticed I was trembling all over, and started to struggle. He was right. I couldn't reach my wand. Panic started to take me over again, yet I tried to keep my head cool.

"I could do to you whatever I please" he continued, sending very unpleasant shivers down my spine.

"You wouldn't dare" I breathed when he removed his hand clasped over my mouth. "You wouldn't dare do that to Lucius"

"Your darling father has been out of the Dark Lord's favour for a while now. He can do anything to me" Rabastan laughed. "But don't worry princess, I won't do anything tonight, but you might think twice about your behaviour next time". He let go of me and went back to his other Death Eater cronies in the sitting room as if nothing had happened.

I remained for a minute to take a deep breath and recomposed myself before heading upstairs.

Once in my room I dropped myself on my bed, still fully clothed and put my hands over my face. The other Death Eaters were so terribly obnoxious, I hated them. I was sure the Dark Lord would have his reasons for putting his trust in them, but these reasons I did not understand. I could not deny that Rabastan frightened me; he was, after all, physically quite a great deal stronger and larger than me. Had it been a mere empty threat or would he truly have the guts to do something to me? I didn't want to try him out, that was for sure.

Just as I was starting to drift in a deep sleep I heard a soft, barely audible knock on my door. For a moment I felt myself tense up and worry that it might be Rabastan or any of the other Death Eaters, but as I thought about it; they would of course never knock.

"Who's it?" I called out, leaning on my elbows to sit up.

"Draco" I heard a small voice from the hallway. "Can I come in?"

I was surprised to hear my brother's voice. With his obsequious behaviour I expected him to have gone out with father on some mission.

"Come in" I called . Draco and I were not exactly close. This point was proven when I thought I could not even remember the last time we had visited each other's room.

"Yes, Draco, what is it you want?" I asked, my curiosity stronger than the annoyance I felt at him interrupting my rest.

"I just wanted to know, if you were all right" he said hesitantly. I could tell he wasn't used to doing this. "He didn't try anything, did he? Rabastan, I mean"

I shook my head and gestured for him to take a seat on my sofa. "No, he didn't. Not tonight."

Draco took the seat and continued to eye me blankly. He was good at not displaying any emotions.

"Why can't you tell me what sort of mission the Dark Lord has appointed to you?"

"Ah, so that's what all this badly-disguised interest in my well-being is all about; information", I replied, sitting up completely now.

"Not at all, Lucia. But you can tell me, right? Your brother". I almost laughed. His attempt of extracting information from me was such a failure you'd think he had taken over some bad habits from Crabbe and Goyle.

"I'm sorry Draco, but the Dark Lord would like me to keep this quiet. If you'll excuse me, I'm trying to rest now. Perhaps if you stop pouting like a child and behave like the man you're expected to be now you're almost 21, then the Dark Lord will appoint you a real mission too".

Draco looked like he was going to attack me, but thought better of it. "Good night, Lucia" he said coldly then.

I do often miss a brother I can rely upon, or at least have a decent conversation with at times. After all, I only have one brother. I remember that when we were children we used to chase each other into the dozens of corridors of the Manor. We could never keep quiet or sit still when our parents wanted us to, during boring society dinners. Not even when the minister himself was attending. Somehow, I always managed to blame Draco so that father sent him upstairs to his room and so that I could remain to get full attention of the guests, making them dote on me. Perhaps he still blamed me for that injustice during our childhood years.

* * *

Pretty bird-sang melodies filled the sunny, warm April air. The temperature was higher than usually for this time of the year, especially in London. The day's entire atmosphere was lazy and I found my mind to be empty and uncooperative. Unfit, above all, to think of the mission I was supposed to concern myself with at this very moment. Already for a good hour I found myself in the presence of Harry Potter, enjoying our leisure time by a lake at the back of a forest, where curious and demanding eyes could not see us.

"Tell me a secret" I said to him, my head resting on his lap. My fingers were playing with a daisy I had picked from the grass surrounding us.

"What?" Harry smiled at me confusedly, his green eyes penetrating my blue ones. How easy it would be to get lost in his eyes and never return.

"A secret. I want to know everything about you. All your little secrets and thoughts and everything" I smiled, considering this quite a pathetic attempt to get my mission somewhere. Another smile lightened up my pale face when his fingers stroked my hair gently. Why was this so new to me? To be desired.

"All right" he replied pensively. "What kind of secret?"

"Any secret. Like how you really think Pansy Parkinson is hot, or how you were so scared to kiss a girl when you were younger that you practised on your hand" I suggested with a chuckle. "Anything nobody else knows."

Harry moved me gently off his lap and laid down beside me in the ticklish grass, half sitting up by leaning on his elbow. "I don't think Pansy is hot at all" he laughed, picking another daisy for me and tickling my nose with it until I sneezed. "And what makes you think I needed practise?" he teased.

"You're avoiding the subject" I said with a pout that always worked on my father, or any man whatsoever.

"All right all right" Harry laughed. "When I was six I once nicked a Twix from the supermarket".

I mock-gasped and tickled him. "You kleptomaniac!"

He laughed and did an attempt to tickle me back. "Hush you, what's your secret?" Somehow he had landed on top of me, my hands held in his.

"I don't have secrets" I said quietly. I was not ignorant to the irony of this; I was the queen of lies.

"Oh come on" Harry said, making me giggle as he tickled me right under the ribs. "Everybody has secrets, and if you say you don't you have big secrets".

It cost me great trouble to not let my true intentions shine through here; if only he knew what I was really up to…

"All right" I said then, quickly scanning my mind for something insignificant that occurred some time in the past. "When I was twelve I had a crush on a muggle student that passed our street every now and then. Does that count?"

"Coming from a Malfoy, that definitely counts" said Harry, smiling again.

"And now a real secret" I pressed on, thinking that any time soon I really needed to have some actual information I could tell the Dark Lord.

"What's not real about stealing?" Harry joked.

"Don't try to avoid the subject" I smiled, stroking his face. "Or don't you want to share with me?"

"I want to share everything with you, Lucia" he replied earnestly, brushing his lips along mine gently.

"Then do" I urged him on, almost impatiently. I needed a secret. Something real.

"Is the fact that I find you the prettiest girl in the world not enough for you?" Harry asked me with a playful smile. He looked so much better when he smiled, he should do so more often. Too bad the whole troubled chosen one thing deprived him from it a lot, or so I could imagine. I dropped my daisy to the side and wrapped my arms around his neck.

"Aww, that's very sweet" I giggled like some schoolgirl. "But that's more a fact than a secret, really".

Harry's face had suddenly turned very serious. "There is something… Only Ron and Hermione know" he started hesitantly.

"Yes, Harry?"

"About that prophecy, you know, the one that broke. I did hear what it said, in Dumbledore's pensieve."

I felt my heart beating faster; this was information the Dark Lord craved so badly, I could tell. Silently, in my mind, I urged him to go on.

"It said that me and Voldemort… Well, it comes down to it that eventually one of us has to kill the other" Harry said quietly.

I had great trouble to keep my expression that of the worried girlfriend. On the inside, I was cheering; this was exactly what the Dark Lord would be waiting for.

"You must be frightened…" I said then, my hand reaching out to cup his face.

"Not really… I guess somehow I always knew that eventually it would come to that".

"You're very brave, Harry". I stroked his hair softly and sat up. It was a good thing Harry could not use Legilimency, or he would have probably known my true intentions in an instant; my mind was screaming with joy. Aunt Bella could not possibly be disappointed in me anymore after hearing this.

"I'm really not, Lucia. I just… do what I have to" he replied, laying his head down on my lap this time.

"That's right, Harry. We all do what we have to".


	6. Lovers

**6. ****Lovers**

_Love seeketh not itself to please, nor for itself hath any care, but for another gives its ease, and builds a heaven in hell's despair._

_-William Blake- _

"It's getting dark" Harry remarked suddenly. Lazily opening my eyes, I disentangled myself from his embrace and sat up. He was right; the sky, earlier still a clear blue, had turned an ugly shade of gray. The sun was hiding behind a thick, black cloud, causing the temperature to drop several degrees.

"Let's go before it starts raining" I said. My white pumps had been almost carelessly tossed under a tree. Just as I picked them up, rain started pouring down from the sky, soaking us within seconds. I would have cared about my hair, or my expensive light blue dress, but somehow I did not.

We laughed together as Harry took my hand and we started to run off. It had a certain freedom to it, running in the rain like that.

"Where do we go?" I asked. A bolt of lightning roared through the silence, followed by a bolt of lightning illuminating the sky.

"Home?" Harry smiled as we took a moment of shelter under a tree to calm our hard breathing.

"Whose home?" I smiled innocently, and my eyes never left his when he took both of my hands in his.

"There's no one at my place…" I was not oblivious to the hesitation sounding through in his voice, but I was ignorant to it.

"Okay". The smile we shared knew no war, no evil, and no betrayal. It was everything I was pretending to be; sincere and in love.

Grimmauld Place 12 was warm and inviting, I immediately noticed that when I walked in through the small, barely-lit corridor. It was easy to imagine how my late great-aunt Walburga had lived here with her family, how my mother and aunts had visited during their childhood years. When I closed my eyes I could almost feel their disapproval of Harry Potter now inhabiting their estate.

"Do you want a drink?" Harry asked, bringing me out of my thoughts. "I don't have a lot… butterbeer?"

I seated myself on the sofa opposite the fireplace. "No, I'm fine". He walked around for a while, with a clear air of someone inexperienced and nervous. When at last he sat down beside me he set his bottle of butterbeer down, picked it up again, and put it back down.

"Why are you shy with me now?" I asked with a smile. I liked seeing Harry nervous for me. Deciding that at least one of us needed to be a little daring and less hesitant, I ran my hand over his chest gently; all the while smiling up at him. He appeared to like it, but I soon noticed it did not help much with putting him at ease.

"I'm not nervous " Harry lied, shifting uncomfortably. "All right, maybe a little" he admitted as he looked me in the eye.

"But you weren't nervous earlier today, were you?"

He shook his head and stroked some strands of hair out of my face. "No. I wasn't nervous just now."

"What's different now?" I asked with a smile, loving to see him give in to the spontaneity and daringness I knew he possessed somewhere. The confusion and pensiveness that my question brought upon him were also greatly amusing.

"Being here. With you" he said eventually.

"I'm still the same, Harry. I'm still your Lucie" I giggled a little. If only he knew what stuff I had been up to with my fellow Death Eaters… He wouldn't ponder of calling me his Lucie if he did that.

"I know you are" Harry said, smiling as he pulled me up to sit in his lap. I was glad to find it was my nonchalance and relaxed appearance that put him at ease him in the end.

"But… I don't know. I can't explain" he continued.

I stroked his face caringly. "You think just because we're alone in your house together now, you're expected to do something you have no experience with." I declared.

"Maybe… But it's not that I don't want to do anything". Was that a blush? The house was quite dark, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was indeed.

"Oh?" The innocent, sweet virgin role I took upon me distracted me from the fact I was actually enjoying this. I tried to ignore that forbidden truth, but the small voice in the back of my head knew no mercy. Soon, I would have to face the Dark Lord. And I would have to tell him things. Important things. I would have to tell him that Harry trusted me completely, without any conscience. Fear grew at the mere thought of it. I did not want to think of that during these moments with Harry, yet I knew I should.

"And what would that be?" I pressed on. "What would you like to do with me?"

He replied with a kiss, a lover's kiss. A silence heavier than anything hung over us, and we willingly drowned in it. There was no need for words; they even seemed severely out of place. Harry kissed me unlike before; more intense and more mature. For a moment, his awkwardness and insecurities, my naiveté and fear of failure, were all forgotten. Temporarily replaced by an emotion new to the two of us. The want to give and take everything to and from the other forever. Was it love? Lust? A combination? No one can tell, but it was there, and nothing else mattered that night. Later on, when at one point I realised we had ended up in his bedroom, in his bed, there were sweet, soft whispers in the dark as we clung to each other for love, warmth and hundreds of other unnamed things both of us sought desperately in this time of war. We found them in each other. We found everything in each other. I did not realise, but I knew.

* * *

"What took you so long?!" I did not even get a chance to enter the Manor properly or even take off my cloak for that matter. Aunt Bella's voice rang in my tired ears rather unpleasantly.

"I was working on 'the mission', aunt Bella" I replied, doing my best not to glare at her. "In fact, I have made some real progress tonight."

This caught her attention, evidently. The snappy look on her face was immediately replaced by one of curiosity. "Oh? Tell me."

"He trusts me, aunt Bella. He trusts me completely". All I had to do was give her the look, and I knew she understood. She understood, but not everything. I had done my best with Occlumency.

"I'm very content with that news, Lucia. I was just going to tell you that the Dark Lord has requested to see you tonight. As soon as you got back. He is in the dungeons."

I nodded and quickly made my way there. I felt my heart beating fast in my chest; this was going to be difficult. I hated the way my heart was betraying me. I was supposed to love anyone but this boy. But I would not allow myself to think of him, loving him. I could not. It would kill me, literally, when around the Dark Lord. Yet deep inside I knew I would not be able to hide it to myself, and the rest of the world, for much longer. My heart's betrayal on me, my blood treachery was true and dreadful. I was everything I had ever hated.

"Master, you wanted to see me?" Once in the basement, I knelt down in front of Voldemort's chair. I remember the last time I was here vividly; it has been a while now. I was not yet of age, and he gave me what appeared to be the most impossible task ever. I was certain I could never complete it. And now I was completing it, but certainly not in a way I could have foreseen.

"Lucia". The Dark Lord acknowledged my presence with a small, barely visible nod. "How is your task getting along?"

"Very well, my Lord" I replied quickly. Perhaps too quickly, for I noticed his eyes flicker over my face with a hint of suspicion in them. I hoped he would take it for fear. "I have reason to believe that Potter trusts me completely".

"I am glad to hear that, Lucia" he spoke again, sounding as cold as always. How come I did not notice before how cold, and harsh he was? Where had my respect for the Dark Lord come from? Once it had seemed natural and right, yet now I did not understand. It frightened me. It was very unlike me to be so antagonistic. Or was it? I did not know myself anymore. Who had I become?

"Tell me what you have found out" the Dark Lord said.

I did not want to tell him. Harry had told me the information in private, yet I could have known from the start it would come to this. That I would betray Harry. But who was I fooling, really? I was supposed to betray Harry, that was the plan! With these thoughts I merely betrayed myself, and who I was.

"Potter has heard the prophecy, master" I said, bowing my head as I spoke to him. By doing this I undoubtedly missed the curious, eager expression in his eyes.

"He has?"

"Yes, master."

"The content, Lucia, I do not have all day".

I knew better than to try the Dark Lord's patience. "Of course, my Lord. The prophecy said…" I paused; this did not feel right. It did not feel right at all. "It said that neither can live while the other survives" at the end of the sentence my voice had made a slight diminuendo, my head still down, facing only the ground.

"And you are sure? Do you have prove this is true, Lucia?"

"No master, only Potter's word, but I have no reason to doubt it. He said he had heard the prophecy in Dumbledore's pensieve". I did the best I could with Occlumency so he would not see things in my mind that were not supposed to be there, like my shame and negative feelings of telling him this information. I held my hands tight together in my lap so they could not visibly tremble much.

"In Dumbledore's pensieve, you say?" the Dark Lord paused, seeming to think over his new information. "Most interesting… You may go, Lucia. I am pleased with the information you've brought me".

Drawing a shaky breath, I stood up, still avoiding his eyes. "Yes master. Thank you". I turned around and quickly climbed up the stairs bringing me back to the warmth and light of the Manor opposing the darkness and cold of the dungeons greatly.

I saw no one in the hallway so saw nothing against leaning myself against the wall for a minute, just to calm down. My heart was beating so fast I was afraid it would never slow down. I closed my eyes, took a few breaths, and then it finally seemed to go better. How hard it was to speak to the Dark Lord under such circumstances as mine. It was emotionally and physically exhausting. What on earth was I doing to myself? As in a dream I wandered up to my room, sinking to the floor equally subconscious. I could see myself in the mirror opposite of where I sat, but again, I hardly recognised myself. My body, my features were still the same, yet my heart was different. No matter how hard my mind, my brains denied it, my heart spoke for itself and would not allow me to lie to myself any longer. Love is blind, they say, and it truly was. As blind as a pitch black night was my love for the Chosen One. My heart's desire was a betrayal to my mind and my family. Yet none of that stopped it. My heart was with Harry Potter.


	7. The Future Mrs Zabini

**7.**** The Future Mrs. Zabini **

"Lucia, a word?" my father's voice sounded far away. I had thought to be alone, but I should have foreseen it to be a very rare thing to be alone in a house as big as mine, especially around war time.

"Yes, of course". I stood up properly so that my state of fear, confusion, and whatsoever else I was feeling appeared less obvious. Doing my best to recompose myself, I followed father into the sitting-room, joining mother there. I seated myself on one of luxurious red sofa's and looked at my parents expectantly. Perhaps this was about my absence during the weekly family lunch on Saturday after noon? I'd been with Harry this after noon, of course, but they did not know that. According to my parents, well mostly my mother, there were very few reasons that could justify missing one of those lunches. We all knew the significance these lunches had to her, yet Draco and father almost always managed to skip one every other week, due to their so-called 'missions'. I could understand mother wanted to keep at least some sort of family gathering. Who were we to abstain her from that? Personally I had never missed a lunch, until today…

"I apologise for not being home for lunch today, mother" I quickly said then. "I had a momentous task for the Dark Lord".

"No matter, dear" mother replied. It was not the lunch, then, but what was it?

"You're practically a woman now, Lucia" said my father. I could tell he wasn't completely comfortable with this conversation, obviously, and neither was I. When my father started referring to his favourite little girl as a woman, it couldn't be good. "And you know that, especially in this time of war, it is very important for the Pureblood families to unite…"

I nodded calmly, starting to get a hint of where this was going. And I did not like it one bit.

"So your mother and I have decided it is time for you to get married, now you are of age".

I had felt it coming, but the message didn't go down too well. Besides the fury any girl would most likely feel in my position, I was also jealous. Why me, and not Draco? He was older than me, for Merlin's sake!

"What about Draco??" I therefore inquired, hardly pretending to be polite anymore at this point.

"Darling, you know very well that your brother has been involved with Pansy Parkinson for quite a while now. We expect their engagement to be announced very soon" Narcissa Malfoy replied coldly. "Draco doesn't seem to need the push in the right direction".

Mother always seemed to choose Draco's side over mine, and it annoyed me. I was her child too! However, father had the tendency to choose my side so I suppose I should not complain."And who is it going to be, then?" I asked angrily.

"Blaise Zabini" was the instant reply of my father.

"And you have notified Blaise of this as well?" I asked, boiling with anger on the inside.

"Of course, darling. He will take you out for dinner tonight, I forgot to tell you" mother simply said. Father looked as casual and confidant as always, yet if you looked as deep in his eyes as I did now you would be able to tell that he too wished circumstances were different.

"How wonderful" I replied, sarcasm dripping from my voice. "May I be excused now? I suppose I should prepare if my 'fiancé to be' is coming to pick me up soon".

Father nodded curtly and I passed a curious house elf in the doorway, before I ran up the stairs to my room in the west wing of the Manor. Once in my room, I dropped myself on to my bed and threw my shoes at the door angrily. How could they do this to me now? Things already were so confusing, and now I had a fiancé I knew nothing about on top of it all. Of course I could have seen it coming, it was exactly as father had said; Pureblood families needed to unite. Yet I still couldn't get over the fact that it had to be me who got the prearranged marriage instead of Draco, who deserved it a great deal more. He was an annoying brat, but I had always done exactly what my parents had told me. I'm sure that was exactly what they expected me to do now. As I finally dragged myself to the mirror to make myself something more pleasant to look at, my sight was still blinded by the tears prickling behind my eyes. I wouldn't give them that pleasure though, I was _not _going to cry over this. Slowly I changed into a new red dress, recently shopped somewhere in Diagon Alley and put my hair up in a more sophisticated way. I preferred it worn down, but I was not going to give Blaise the best of me. Some lipstick applied, a spray of perfume, and ready I was. The fact that I had not put hours of work on my appearance as I sometimes did brought a slight grin to my face.

"Miss Lucia" I suddenly heard the squeaky voice of one of our new elves behind me –I always forgot their names, except Dobby's, he was good- and turned around.

"Mi-mister Zabini is downstairs to see you" said the pathetic little creature. I gave the thing a nod in acknowledgement and made my way down the stairs.

"Well well Blaise, we meet again" I greeted him, remembering our brief encounter during my coming of age ball.

"Yes, Lucia, at last" he said with a grin, leaning in to kiss my cheek. Somewhat grudgingly, I allowed this.

"So, where are you planning to take me?" I inquired, taking my cloak from the same house elf who had announced Blaise's presence to me earlier and wrapping it around my shoulders.

"Just some nice little restaurant" he replied, and then added with a light chuckle: "I hope it's up to your standards".

"I'm sure you've arranged something nice, Blaise" I replied rather coldly, not unlike my mother could be sometimes.

I let him take hold of my arm, and we disapparated to a decent, yet indeed too ordinary for my liking, restaurant.

"It looks good" I said, entering as he held the door open for me. At least he seemed to possess some of the Pureblood manners. The restaurant looked small, and not too expensive. The waitress-witches wore sulky expressions that made sure the guests didn't think twice about giving a good tip. You never knew, after all.

We seated ourselves at a small table in the back, candlelight being the only illumination. It created quite an atmosphere, though it did make it particularly difficult to read the menu.

"I take it you spoke to your father then" Blaise said after we had ordered a drink and a pre -course.

I nodded timidly, dreading that he brought this up. "Yes, Blaise, I have spoken to him."

A triumphant grin spread over his face. "Wonderful. So how about we make this official, then?" He took a small, black box from his pocket and opened it. Inside it was, admittedly, a very beautiful ring, with a large diamond in the middle.

"Lucrecia Bellatrix Malfoy", he started, ignoring the fact that I suddenly wasn't so hungry for that soup anymore. "Will you marry me?"

I performed a wonderfully fake smile that was supposed to make me look truly happy. I supposed I should be a little more flexible; after all, my parents were right. I had the age to marry, it could do something good for the Pureblood race, but did I really care about that anymore? It would be fooling myself to say that I did, for had I not decided early today that all I did care about was Harry? Harry, whom had given me more than I had ever received. Harry, whom I had betrayed so badly to the Dark Lord. Would he ever forgive me if he knew this? I supposed that at the moment I couldn't do a lot more than accept the situation. Solve it later. Until there was a better solution I would have to play along.

"Yes, Blaise, I would love to become your wife".

With a slight satisfied grin he shoved the ring around my finger. "Do you like the ring?" he asked. "It was my grandmother's engagement ring".

"It's beautiful" I agreed, resisting the urge to add: "and you got it for free".

"We'll be very happy, I'm sure" Blaise said. "We'll make a beautiful, rich and powerful couple".

Throughout the rest of dinner, Blaise mainly talked of himself. It took me a not entirely fake, severe head ache to get him to bring me home early.

"It's such a shame you're not feeling well" he complained at the gate of the Manor. "We could have had some more…fun" he said suggestively. "You know, the kind we didn't have on your birthday. Of course everything's different now that we're engaged".

"Yes, everything's different now" I had to agree. "Thanks for dinner, and I'll see you around". Quickly I closed the gate behind me and walked up to the house. Finally, some peace and quiet. This did not last long, however. I let out a quiet groan as the first thing I saw when I entered the house was my brother and his air headed girlfriend Pansy Parkinson snogging each other by the stairs.

"Oi, can't a person come home _without _the peepshow?" I remarked, not about to hide my bad mood for them.

Draco disentangled himself from Pansy's embrace and the pair of them glared at me. "Only because you're so bitter, _dear _sister, doesn't mean you need to take it out on us" he snapped back.

"Just ignore her, Dracie, let's go up to your room" whined Pansy, clinging to Draco's arm.

I resisted the urge to confront Pansy with my brother's little dates with other girls, more than occasionally. Now was not the time for that, though the price of the look upon her face when she would discover that was definitely going to be priceless.

"I'm not bitter, as a matter of fact, I'm delighted with my new engagement ring, _Dracie_" I bit back at him, even more annoyed with the fact that they already seemed to know of my prearranged marriage to Blaise.

"So I heard" Draco chuckled, pushing Pansy away lightly when she tried to throw herself in his arms again.

"Well, good night" I said arrogantly, ascending the stairs. I honestly did not see what attracted Draco to Pansy; she was so clingy it even made me want to vomit, and I only had to put up with her seldom.

Once in my room, I changed into a comfortable, light blue nightgown and laid down on my bed to think over everything that had happened today. It was a whole lot; sleeping with Harry, realising that I loved Harry, getting engaged to Blaise… How could I possibly explain that to Harry? I couldn't hide it, either; knowing my parents it would be announced in _The Prophet _as soon as possible. Best would be to tell him myself, some time in the nearby future. My hands trembling lightly, I took a piece of parchment and a quill from a drawer in my desk, and started to write.

_Dear Harry,_

_There is something I would like to discuss with you. Can you meet me behind the Shrieking Shack tomorrow morning around 9 AM? _

_Love,_

_Your Lucie_

I folded up the letter and tied it to the leg of my owl, Sapphire, named after one of my most favourite gem stones.

"Take this to Harry, beauty" I said to her, opening the window and then watching her fly off into the darkness. I laid back down on my bed and blew out the candle on the nightstand. What a mess my life was now, whereas this morning I had still been so happy. What had happened? The tears started coming before I even noticed I had to cry. I could feel my make-up running, but what did it matter? Who cared about what they looked like, in such a situation? I had already been so far away from happiness with Harry, being able to really be with him. This bloody engagement only brought me one step further from that. Angrily, I threw the ring in the furthest corner of my room, burying my head in my hands after that. I didn't know yet for sure what I wanted exactly, or how I was going to get it, but I did know for sure that I did _not _want to marry Blaise Zabini. Also in that moment, I decided that in the end, I was therefore not _going _to marry him.

* * *

**Author's Note: **I'm really enjoying to write this, and thanks for reading (and some of you for reviewing) so far! I hope you continue. Here's a personal reply for my awesome reviewers: 

**JessicaHatchett**: Hehe, sorry, not too much details or I would have to rate it 'M' instead. I don't have a lot of experience with that sort of scenes yet, but I'm working on it ;). Thanks for reading and reviewing, do continue please!  
**Drkjester: **You too, a lot of thanks for reviewing and reading! It means a lot, I love all reviews. I hope you continue.  
And last, my new friend **Karen: **I'm so glad you like it! I hope you like this chappy too, though it has quite a bit of a twist. I'll talk to you on msn ;)


	8. When All Things Fall Apart

**8. When All Things Fall Apart**

It was exactly 9 o'clock when I arrived at the spot behind the Shrieking Shack I had invited Harry to meet me at. I hardly slept last night; frightening nightmares of my wedding with Blaise kept me from getting the rest I so needed.

Harry hadn't arrived yet, I noticed. A shiver went through my body as I sat down on a wooden bench; the fabric of my sweater was really too thin for a cold day like this. I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to get some more warmth. My head was throbbing continuously, as if I had been crying all night, in my sleep as well. This was not very unlikely.

A clearly audible _crack _brought my attention back to the present; Harry had just apparated here.

"What's the matter? Are you all right, Lucie?" there was a worried look on his face; it made me feel even more guilty. He thought this was something about me, while in fact I was about to upset him. Nervously I fidgeted with my silver bracelet, continuing even as he seated himself besides me.

"You're not ill, are you?" he enquired. I shook my head fervently, thinking that indeed I must look quite ill. Severely unusual for me, I had not even once glanced in the mirror this morning. My ruined make-up must give me the look of something near to a drowned cat.

"No, I'm not ill. But I have something to tell you… you're not going to like it, Harry". I looked down at the ground uneasily.

"What's that?"

I looked up into his sincere green eyes, hiding only behind his typical round pair of glasses, and I hated them all. The Death Eaters, my parents, and even the Dark Lord whom I had once shown so much ambition and respect to.

"I'm engaged, Harry". To afraid even to look into his eyes, I continued to direct them on my shoes on the ground. I didn't want to see the disappointment, or anger, or sadness in his eyes. There was a continuing silence, it eventually made me look up. The first thing I saw in the beautiful pools of green was confusion.

"What? I… I don't understand, Lucie. I thought we were… Weren't we in love?"

Tears started to roll down my cheeks; his words too painful to hear right now. His disappointment, honest and genuine, was worse than any screaming I could have foreseen.

"We were… we are!" I quickly corrected myself.

"Right". Harry's voice sounded distant and cold, the kind of tone I was sure he had, prior to this, only used on his enemies.

"Harry, you don't understand!" I tried to keep calm, but the thought of losing him made me desperate.

"No, I understand it really well, Lucia". He stood up. Very seldom since he had first fallen in love with me he had called me Lucia. Actually never. Always Lucie, his Lucie. The use of my full name was like an ice cold shower to me.

"Everything's perfectly clear now".

"Please listen to me…" I said quietly, not even bothering to wipe the tears off my face. I took his continued silence as, somehow, a sign to speak.

"I don't want to marry him, Blaise Zabini, that's him, but my parents…" my voice was hardly more than a whisper. Harry looked more confused now than anything else.

"How can your parents force you to marry someone? Someone you don't even love?"

At least he was still here, I tried to comfort myself, at least he hadn't ran off in fury, or yelled that he never wanted to see me again. It gave me some new courage and I regained some of my calm appearance.

"It's not unusual in Pureblood families like mine" I tried to explain. "They do it to… to unite the Purebloods, or something.." It was easier not to look at Harry anymore; I was afraid to see the disappointment still reflected there.

"And you don't have a choice? None at all?" Harry asked, he still had this surprised look on his face.

I shook my head. "Not if you don't want to be disowned, or something like that. " After a short break to take a deep breath, I continued: "Look, Harry, what we did yesterday… That was real, wasn't it? That was love, like I never knew before. You felt it too, didn't you? Then how can you think that I would be able to love someone else?" Fresh tears rolled down my cheek. Did I ever stop? He must be comparing me to Moaning Myrtle by now.

"Oh…" Harry said again, appearing at a loss for words. "I…I know what it was, yesterday. I was there, you know".

At this point we both stared at the floor. Me, uncomfortable and afraid of what was coming, and he, ashamed of judging me too fast, unsure how we could possibly continue something that we could probably never really have in the first place.

Unable to take the ever ongoing silence, I spoke at last: "Can't we just forget this, Harry? We're stronger than a fake engagement, aren't we? Why can't we go on the way we were?"

Finally his eyes were directed on me again, and I dared to look back. From his face I could see that he wanted nothing more than to do as I said, but it just wasn't as simple.

"You're going to get married…" he objected.

"But that won't make me stop loving you" I leaned my forehead against his, and kissed him softly. Our kiss was the same, the same as always.

"You love me?" Harry whispered against my lips. I merely nodded, my fingers entwining in his.

"All right" said Harry, quietly, in my ear now. "I don't want to lose you, I won't"

"Where have you been all morning?" My mother's voice was the first thing I heard when I stepped into my house's sitting room. I was surprised to find her and my father and aunt Bella having tea with none other then my new fiancé. I stood still in the doorframe.

"Out for a walk…" I replied hastily, panic coming over me when I realised I had left my engagement ring in a far corner of my room, completely forgotten. That wouldn't look too good with Blaise, surely.

"Show your mother your ring, Lucia" said the fiancé in question. "She'll love it".

At this I turned quite red; not very willing to ruin it at this point already. For now, I had to play the happy fiancée.

"Eh… I really must go change, first. I look a mess!" Not awaiting their reply, I ran up the stairs to my room and feverishly started looking for the ring. Where on earth was it… I was sure it had to be here somewhere. Why hadn't that bloody house elf cleaned up my room so I'd be able to look past the layers of clothes scattered across the room? Tidiness was never my best characteristic.

"Looking for this?" I jumped at the sudden sound of a voice, but surely there it was when I turned around; my engagement ring, in aunt Bella's hand.

"Aunt Bella, how did you…"

"I came in to talk to you this morning, but you weren't here. I saw this and figured it wasn't really meant to be laying around just like that, for anyone to see and take". There was a curious look on my aunt's face; did she know I was up to something? Surely she couldn't… I reached for the ring, but she snatched it away before I could take it from her hand.

"No, not yet" she said sternly. "First we're going to have a little talk, you and I". She forced me to sit down on a chair. She herself remained standing, towering over me with her tall appearance.

"You were with Potter this morning, I assume?"

I nodded, staring at the floor. She had me right where she wanted; she knew I couldn't leave the room without that ring, not with my parents and Blaise downstairs.

"And you told him of your engagement?"

Again, I nodded.

"Have you lost your voice?!" aunt Bella snapped, pulling my hair so my head jerked back, looking up at her.

"I-I thought… he was bound to find out sooner or later anyway… Best to tell him myself". It was hard to talk like this.

Thankfully, aunt Bella let go of me then. "Good girl, perhaps you're smarter than I thought. I take it his trust in you was not damaged? You found a way around that?"

"Yes aunt Bella" I replied. "I said I had no choice". I knew she was skilled at Legilimency, so I did the best I could to close my mind against her.

She let the ring dangle in my face again. "Your darling fiancé invited us all to dinner tonight, how generous of him, you must be thrilled".

Obediently, I nodded yet again, though I could tell she wouldn't buy one word of it if I told her that I was happy to be engaged.

Aunt Bella then dropped the ring at last, it fell right at my feet. I hastily picked it up, and looked at my aunt's harshly-lined face.

"Congratulations on your engagement". With that, she left me alone.

Determined to make this evening at least a little more enjoyable than the last, I seated myself besides Draco along the table the eight of us occupied in the restaurant, wanting to perhaps clear things up between us. He was my only brother, after all. Blaise, of course, was on the other side of me, his hand resting already possessively on my leg.

"So you had time for us tonight then" Draco grinned, shaking Pansy's arm off his shoulder. "No momentous tasks to complete for the Dark Lord tonight?". His mocking tone did not go past me.

"Not tonight, thank you very much" I said in a fake polite tone, taking a sip of my white wine.

A glance around learned me that father, aunt Bella and uncle Rodolphus were already engaged in a conversation of politics. Mother now talked to Pansy about the menu card.

"Why won't you tell me what you're up to" Draco glared, lowering his voice so no one would be able to listen in on us. Not even Blaise, who was desperately trying to take part in the conversation of my father.

"Because!" I snapped, as well lowering my voice. Despite my reply, I couldn't help but think that it would be nice to have someone else to talk to about my 'mission'. Perhaps Draco would understand after all, there were moments where he had more sense. I wouldn't have to tell him I was really in love with Harry, that would be silly. But he was different from aunt Bella, he wouldn't torture me or whatever if I did something wrong.

"Don't think that you're getting all privileged now, the Dark Lord doesn't want everyone to know" I added quickly, not wanting to drop all my defences.

"I'm not everyone, am I?" Draco said, sipping his Firewhiskey. "Come on Luce, I just want to know what you're up to".

"So you can interfere? Strike with the honour? I'm afraid that won't do, not this time. Not unless girls don't have your preference after all". I chuckled at the confused expression on his face. "Follow me, then". As I made my way into the hallway, I heard him excuse us to the rest. We wouldn't really be missed, though; politics was much too interesting for the adults.

"Are you going to tell me, or what?" he said impatiently.

"Not unless you act normal. And you have to swear you won't tell anyone else, not even Pansy".

Draco rolled his eyes. "Like I would tell her anything. And I always act normal" he glared, taking another sip of the glass he had brought with him.

Perhaps under other circumstances I would have never put faith in my brother, but it was desperately lonely to have secrets, or so I had learned. If I'd just let him in on part of my secret… I just wanted someone to talk to, sometimes. Reluctantly, I told him of the Dark Lord's plans for me.

"POTTER?!" Draco exclaimed, lowering his voice again as I made a hushing gesture. "You're shagging Potter?!" he whispered.

"Shh! The Dark Lord wants me to, I told you" I said hastily.

"Merlin, Luce, I'd almost pity you" he grinned smugly, the sort of grin he had from father.

I let out a desperate sigh. He hadn't ran back to scream this news through the restaurant, so he had sense after all. He was probably going to use this knowledge against me somehow, at some point, but for possibly the first time in my life, I felt I _really _had an older brother who cared about me, in some way.

* * *

There was an easy spell that could show a woman she was pregnant. You said the incantation, held your wand against the womb, and wait for 5 minutes. If the wand sent out a bright blue light, there was definitely a foetus in there. If it glowed red, there was not. Five minutes had never before been so endless, and never before had I been so desperate and against the colour blue. I'd been engaged for six weeks now, but not once had I allowed Blaise to stay over for the night. If this test was positive, I would have a lot to explain… But surely it couldn't be. Harry and I had only made love several times, would that really be enough? I closed my eyes, but even through my eyelids was a glow of bright blue. My nightmares were confirmed. I was now officially a blood traitor. 


	9. The Turning Point

**9. ****The Turning Point **

Children, especially boys, were always rather welcome amongst the Purebloods. Heirs to carry on the family name, securing the Dark Lord's army for the future: that was what they were meant for. The girls were to show off with and were used to make prearranged marriages to other powerful Pureblood families. However, when the children were born out of wedlock, they were a lot less than welcome, and that was what concerned me. I supposed Blaise would not be entirely happy with the news that he was going to be a father before he had even slept with me. It was time to secure my place today, I had decided. After all, I was only a little over a month along and would not be showing for some time. The child would have to be passed of as a premature born baby, when time came along. Yet somehow I did not have the feeling I was still going to be around in eight months time.

Blaise had taken me out tonight to the beach. How very cliché. Perhaps with another man, like Harry, I would have appreciated the romantics, yet with Blaise I couldn't bring myself to think anything else than that he mainly did all these things to impress me, to convince me it was all right to no longer be a virgin anymore during our wedding night. If only he knew… Giving in to him at last, or so he thought, I had accepted his invitation for a drink at his place, and here we were. He had taken me straight up to his chambers, making sure by doing so that I was very much aware of his intentions. I played innocent, though.

"You have a lovely home, shame I didn't get a chance to say hello to your mother" I said sweetly. Blaise nodded impatiently, opening a bottle of exquisite red wine and pouring us both a glass.

"She's out".

Despite my determination I found myself remarkably nervous. Even though I was not nearly as inexperienced as Blaise thought, or perhaps expected me to be, it was different. All of this was a mere act, whereas with Harry it had been very sincere. It made me wonder how he would react to my betrayal. Would he understand the necessity? I had not even told him about the baby yet, another worry I kept postponing.

But who was I fooling, really? I was engaged to Blaise; was I not betraying him with Harry instead of the other way around? Would my mind ever know rest or clarity again?

"You were a real lady tonight, I'm proud of you" Blaise said as he seated himself besides me, his hand stroking my hair off my shoulder so he could kiss it. I said nothing in return. Did nothing in return, merely held my glass of wine.

"I do try" was all I said eventually. The pressure of being a Malfoy girl was always highly underestimated. All the lesser ones, like Pansy Parkinson, wanted to be me, they had envied me before I was even born. Right now I would swap with them any moment. Let them know what it feels like to be madly in love but engaged to another. To be forced to sleep with your fiancé to not arouse suspicions. To be a Death Eater, to be the Dark Lord's favourite, but his most hated when he would find out the truth.

It wasn't hard to see Blaise did not have a lot of patience with this. He quickly drained his glass and set it aside. I drank very slowly, hoping the wine would give me some courage. It did not seem to help much, the only thing still on my mind was Harry.

"Come now" Blaise said impatiently, taking my glass and setting it aside as well. "The night is all ours".

I still hardly moved, though I allowed him to kiss my neck, and take off my dress. It had been a very fine, new dress in the colour of cherries, as red as the lip-gloss I was wearing. Too bad Blaise was not so careful with it.

All together it did not last very long, though he made me do some rather humiliating things. It was easy to conclude that Blaise was a very selfish lover, concerned about his own pleasure only. He had not bothered to notice for a single moment that the whole thing had been quite uncomfortable for me instead of the perfect it was supposed to be; a virgin and her more experienced fiancé. As long as he believed in the lie, though, it would be all right.

"That was good" he told me afterwards, when I felt cold naked without the warm arms of a lover around me. I couldn't help but think that Harry always kept me warm, and after we had made love we would still stay awake for sometimes hours and talk of silly little things.

I nodded, though I felt all but good. It was as if a big black cloud hung over me. It was clear to me again how much in love I was with Harry. I wanted him, and his child. Yet there was nothing I could do. I was trapped in the Dark Lord's web.

"I had the house elf make the bed for you in the room next to mine" Blaise then said, surprising me above all. I knew he was bad, but this bad?

'What?" I asked, momentarily falling out of my role as the content fiancée. The beautiful wife to be, supporting her man in everything. "You don't want me to lay with you?"

"That's not it" he said annoyed, as if I was a nobody that bothered him instead of his woman. "I don't like to be disturbed during the night, I'm a light sleeper".

I gave him my most cold smile. He obviously took pleasure out of humiliating me. He was just like all the other Pureblood men; thinking that a woman was their propriety, that they could do with her whatever they pleased. Angrily, I rose from the bed and, a dressing gown quickly thrown on, went to the room next to his, feeling more hurt and humiliated than I should have ever let myself be by him.

I showered, and wrapped a white, soft bathrobe that I found around myself. Was this what it would be like if we got married? Luxury, but so much loneliness. Just as it was now. I would just trade one prison for the other one. A gilded cage, but one nonetheless. The thought was choking me, and I realised I had to get out of here now. And so, I wrote a small note for Blaise telling him I had forgotten an appointment with an old friend and had left. He would find it in the morning, if he bothered to check on me at all. Unwilling to spend a moment longer here, I grabbed my clothes and disapparated without thinking of where I was going. The funny thing was that I was not even surprised when I recognised the building of Grimmauld Place 12. I knew all the passwords now, so could get in easily. I knew the house well now, it felt more like home than home ever had.

"Harry?" I said quietly, dropping to my knees in the middle of the room. I needed Harry. I need his comfort, his arms around me. He alone would be able to take away the humiliation I felt, the hurt. He was the only one who would be able to make me feel better.

"Harry?" I called out, a little louder when I realised he must have been asleep already, upstairs in his room. Tears were running again, hot on my face.

I did not have to wait long for him; I saw him coming toward me hastily, dressed in the black jogging pants and the white t-shirt he always slept in. His hair was even messier than usual, and underneath his round glasses were a pair of green eyes, looking concerned at me.

"Harry" I sobbed the moment he took me in a tight embrace. We sat there together, in the middle of the night, in the dark living-room of an ancient house. It was oddly comforting.

"Harry, I'm pregnant" I said before I could change my mind. This wasn't calculated, this was spontaneous and wrong. This could ruin the whole plan. That plan I no longer cared about, but I cared about my life.

Harry's was evidently caught off guard, but who could blame him? His fingers stopped running through my hair and his whispers fell quiet.

"I know, I know" I whispered before I even gave him the chance to say something. "It wasn't planned, we're too young, and it's too dangerous a time for this".

"Lucie" he said lovingly. "Yes… we're much too young and it's much too dangerous. But it's here now, isn't it? It's already happened.".

In his eyes I could read something that I had not seen for a long time; hope. In mine there was something else. Something I had never experienced. Guilt.

We spent most of the night talking, just sitting together. I was more relieved than anything that Harry wasn't angry. I could tell he was very happy, in fact. Happy and worried. After what had happened to his parents he clearly wanted his own baby to care for, one he could give a happy family like he had never had. However, since I was a Death Eater, this would come for a price only. A great price. We knew we needed a plan, and a good one. By the time Kreacher, Harry's house elf, had made us breakfast, we had a reasonable plan. My last night at home would be during the ball mother was organising to announce my engagement to Blaise. Everyone that mattered would be there, the whole Pureblood society. At the end of it, I would tell them, or at least Blaise, that I wasn't going to marry him at all. And after that I would go home to Harry. I had already started to call Grimmauld Place 12 home, and we still had a long way ahead of us. We too saw the flaws in the plan; certainly my family wasn't going to let me go like that, and then I was not even speaking of the Dark Lord yet. Therefore I had agreed to have one member from the Order of the Phoenix present at the ball. Harry had suggested Nymphadora Tonks, who appeared to be my cousin as well. She was a Metamorphmagus, so no one would recognise her if she did her job well. Just before dinner, she came over and I first met the daughter of my mother's disowned sister Andromeda.

"Tonks, this is her, this is Lucia" said Harry to my cousin, whom I thought looked most curious with her bright bubblegum pink hair. Harry seemed a bit nervous, and I wondered only now why I had never met any of his friends before. Was he ashamed of me? Of course he was scared; I was supposed to be 'the enemy'. I wasn't, though, hadn't Harry seen that yet? He must have.

"Wotcher!" Tonks said enthusiastically. "So I meet one of my cousins at last". She shook my hand.

From the looks Harry and Nymphadora, who somehow wanted to be called by her surname, exchanged I could tell they had discussed me.

"It's nice to meet you" I said plainly. Besides the hair she seemed rather normal. Harry had told me she was married to a werewolf; another extraordinary thing I would have to learn to cope with. Harry lived in a completely different world where almost everything was tolerable and there was love in so many things and people, whereas I knew hardly anything else than hate. Tonks left a little after dinner after some more talking and planning. I was left with still that nagging feeling I couldn't close my eyes to. The thought that I would never belong here. I carried the Dark Mark, but now I first felt guilt about it. I didn't want to be a Death Eater anymore, but could I be here, normal? I was not one thing or the other now, and it too was terrifying.

"Harry" I said later that night, when we were both in his bedroom, getting ready for bed. "Why haven't you introduced me to your friends before?"

Harry set down his toothbrush and glanced at me with a look I could quite put my finger on. Was it pity? Nerves? Fear?

"It just never came to that…" he replied softly.

"I don't believe that's the reason" I said, getting into bed. "You're ashamed of me, aren't you?"

"No!" Harry said, getting in the bed besides me. "That's not it, Lucie, don't say such things. I'm… afraid" he admitted. "I'm supposed to be their leader".

"And it won't look too good when you show up with a Death Eater, I get that" I replied, sounding more than just a little bitter. I turned on my side, knowing how wrong this all was. It was I who was supposed to receive such a treatment; I who betrayed my love every single moment.

"You'll meet them very soon, we're a family now, remember?" Harry put his arm around me. I laid still and closed my eyes for just a moment. Guilt ran through every single vein of my body. The way he talked of 'our family'. This lie I was coping with was not the start of a good, solid relationship. I didn't want to do that to Harry, I didn't want to do that to the baby, and I didn't want to do that to myself. Suddenly every kill, every torture weighed down on me. Perhaps, for the first time in my life I was not selfish. I did not only think of myself now, but also of Harry and my child.

"I have something else I want to tell you" I whispered, barely audible. The room was pitch black; Harry had just blown out the candle on the nightstand.

"Hm?" he sounded sleepy, but soon he would not be, I thought.

"I've betrayed you, Harry". This was perhaps the hardest thing I had ever done in my life. I knew I had to do it, for everyone around me. I had to start somewhere if I wanted to be a better person. My conscience was more present than ever, as was my aching heart when it realised that I could lose everything. If this became known, I would lose my friends and family of the dark side, but they didn't really matter anymore. I could lose Harry, the one I loved like no other, he who had brought this conscience upon me with his love, by making me love him. Tears ran down my cheeks as I lay dead still.

"What?" He had sat up again and took his glasses from the nightstand. "How do you mean that? Are you talking about Blaise? We talked about that this morning, didn't we? I mean, I wished things were different, but if you say it was really necessary..."

I shook my head, tears falling on my pillow. "Not that. I spied for Voldemort. He told me to get close to you, so we could find out what you were up to". My heart broke in two at that very moment. Both of us got out of bed that very second, each on another side of it. My eyes must have been full of shock at what I had just destroyed, and his were full of so many things. Disappointment, rage, and other things that hurt me too much to describe.

"Let me explain, please" I begged desperately. How could I have been so foolish to think that this was better? What could possibly be worse than to have my only love turn against me? To have him look at me as if I were his enemy?

Harry shook his head in disbelief. "Explain? What is there to explain, Lucia?"

He had stopped calling me Lucie again, another example of the ever widening gap between us. Just the previous evening we had melted together, thinking of what our baby would look like, what he would be called. Yet now we were as far apart as fire and ice, rain and sun.

"Get out" he then said. I cried more in my state of despair, trying to cling to him, trying to force more of our previous love out of him. His words were more cold than anything I had ever heard and he just turned his back on me, leaving me to do nothing but depart. And so I did, but my heard was still with him. It would always be, no matter what he said or no matter how much he hated me. Deep down I knew it was the right thing. I would never have been happy in his arms with this lie between us, but this, this destroyed me. Everything was my own fault, my despair, my tragedy and my conscience.

* * *

**Author's Note: I hope you all liked this! Thanks for your wonderful reviews, keep them coming please ;). **


	10. Saved

**10. Saved **

"_Desperation is the raw material of drastic change. Only those who can leave behind everything they have ever believed in can hope to escape."_ _-__William S. Burrough -_

It felt as if the world were against me, leaving me with nothing but cold and darkness and downright despair. Somehow I had ended up in my own bedroom without splinching myself. I don't think I had ever apparated so absent-mindedly. There was a storm going on inside me; I was angry with the whole world. Why me, for Merlin's sake?! Why did I have to fall in love with the one boy I could not have?!

My very own mirror image frightened me whereas before it had always pleased me, as it should to a Malfoy girl. I looked just as desperate and worn out as the girls in the dungeons that the Death Eaters sometimes kept there, as slaves. I was not at all the proud, haughty young woman I had been before. It was as if the mirror now too betrayed me, by showing me someone I was not supposed to be in the first place. A broken girl. At that very thought I broke into tears again; who would have ever thought that I, Lucrecia Bellatrix Malfoy, named after two of the Dark Lord's most powerful Death Eaters, could be broken? A broken blood traitor with a baby in her belly that would already be greatly hated before he was even born. My sobs were probably indiscreetly loud, but that didn't matter now. In the worst case my parents would hear, but if they did, they would certainly not care.

Exhausted both emotionally and physically, I took off my black pumps; they were really killing my feet. There had been a time where I hadn't let that bother me at all, only weeks ago. I was so angry, angry with everyone, most of all myself. In a sudden rage, I threw one of the black polished shoes at the mirror so that it shattered in what looked like a million pieces. The noise was deafening, yet I hardly heard it. One of the many broken mirror pieces had subconsciously ended up in my hand, and I stared at it blankly. The inevitable thought came to mind: Why not end it all? A few cuts and I would be out of this despair, this dilemma, this heartbreak. Before tonight I had had only two reasons to live: my lover and my child. Now all that was left was the latter, and what would I do with a small baby on my own? Of course I could pass the baby off as Blaise's, but what use would that be? My life as Mrs. Zabini would undoubtedly be that of an obedient little wife; I'd rather die.

Would it hurt much?, I wondered, still staring at the glass. I was so deep in thought I had not even heard the door open and someone come in.

"Merlin, Lucie! What the hell happened here?!"

I looked up to see my brother, dressed in emerald green pyjamas, standing over me; a look of worry in his gray eyes that was completely new to me.

"It's over" I managed to whisper, my heart in too much pain to really feel it. It brought me in some sort of daze. "It's all over".

Draco shook his head in confusion. "What's over? Lucie, give me that". He reached for the glass.

"No!" I cried out, suddenly alert. "It's mine. It's mine and I need it".

"How can you need that? I can mend your mirror for you" he promised, puzzled and definitely worried. I would probably be too if I was fully conscious of the state I was in.

"I'm in love. With Harry Potter. I was doing my mission and I fell in love with him, okay? I'm carrying his child, and I just told him that I'd betrayed him all this time, and now he hates me" I said, silent tears running down my face now. "I don't care what you do. Tell this all to the Dark Lord; I don't care anymore. It'll be easier really, if he kills me. Then I won't need to feel this anymore".

Draco looked flabbergasted now. "In love? With… with POTTER?!" he exclaimed, his eyes widening to the size of plates. "What the hell do you want with him?!"

"I told you already, I don't care what you think, or anyone. It's over anyway". My head was wonderfully empty as I concentrated on the small piece of glass. Sharp. I could make it stop any moment I wanted to; everything.

"A child??? And.. and you TOLD him you work for the Dark Lord?!". If possible, my brother's eyes widened even more. He'd have to start worrying they would fall out soon. I didn't reply, and neither of us spoke then, for a while. When apparently he had gotten a few minutes to get used to the idea, Draco recovered. I hadn't, though.

"So go ahead, tell the Dark Lord what a blood traitor I am. I don't care; whatever the hell he does to me, it can't make anything worse. I've lost Harry. "

Unexpected, he sat down on the floor opposite me. "Give me that piece of glass, Lucia" he said calmly. I looked in his eyes; the same eyes of father, and knew this was wrong. For I had not lost everything. I was carrying a child, a living soul, inside of me, and I had to do what I could to protect him. It was my duty as a mother; I didn't want to be like my mother, I suddenly realised. I didn't want nanny's and house elves to raise my child; it was my duty. Mine and Harry's, but I didn't suppose I could count on his help right now; but I could help myself. I gave my brother the piece of glass I had so clung to mere seconds before. Fortunately I had woken from my reverie and opened my eyes to the truth. Funny how all that had taken was a look of concern; a hint of at least one person still caring for me in some way.

"I'm not going to betray you to the Dark Lord, silly" Draco said quietly, putting the piece of glass away, out of my reach. "You're my little sister, and even though we like to almost kill each other every now and then, that won't ever change".

A gulf of warmth went through me; why hadn't I noticed earlier how much I needed to be loved? How even my seeming inadequate brother could have made me feel less lonely at times? "Not?"

He shook his head. "No. Now pull yourself out of that pathetic depression and let's get to business; I think Potter has lost his thing for whining girls after dating that Chang girl". Resisting the urge to aim every hex at him I knew, I allowed him to lift me up and sit me down on my bed.

"We had a plan…" I said, after that briefly explaining the plan we had made to him.

"You know what, Luce? If he's even a tad better than what I expect him to be, and that's easily possible since I don't expect him to be much of a man, he'll get back to you, eventually. If he really loves you he'll see that you didn't have a choice, that you were trapped between what 'was right and what was easy', to put it in famous words. He'll see that you want to do what's right from now on".

"I'm not so sure, Draco" I said quietly, recognising his words to be those of comfort, more than those of truth.

"You have to sleep now, okay? We'll figure out what to do in the morning, we're both going to be in a lot of trouble for all of this". A look of terror crossed his face. "But they don't have to find out, do they?"

This looked more like the brother I knew; terrified, always wanting to please father and mother.

"I thought you were different than what I had always considered you as, but apparently you're not. You're exactly the same".

"I'm not the one sleeping with the enemy. And if I were I'd be smart enough to remember performing a contraception spell!" Draco replied angrily.

"Oh shut up" I glared at him. "You don't know a thing about how it went, all right?"

"You're right, I don't, and I really don't want to know either, Lucie". He made his way over to the door. "Good night".

"Wait…" I said, in a small voice now. "Don't go". I didn't want 'our moment' to pass. For a moment I had experienced what it was like to have a worrying, caring brother, and now he was gone. I didn't want him to be; I needed someone.

Draco turned around and glared harder at my little pout. "You know, that really doesn't work on me, and neither do the water works." Either way, he walked back over to me and tucked me into bed. "Now sleep, okay?"

I produced the tiniest of smiles; surely what worked on father, worked on my brother as well. "Don't go. You have to stay here".

Draco grimaced and then pulled a rather ugly face, but despite all that got in the bed besides me, sighing loudly. "Only till you're asleep, okay? You better be tired".

"I am". I closed my eyes and tried to drift off to sleep. The tragedy of my present life, however, kept me awake.

"Would it go too far to have a conversation about your upcoming engagement to that slut?" I enquired casually, trying to distract myself.

"Yes. We have to take it slow, you know, small steps" Draco replied, sounding drowsy.

Thankfully, sleep came rather fast after that, and the next morning, my brother was still there.

* * *

Two weeks passed without a word from Harry. That, and the pregnancy added up to it made me so sick mother had had to postpone the engagement ball. Day after day I lay in bed miserably, every hour writing another letter to Harry I did not dare send. He made it clear that he wanted to be left alone, and I didn't want to seem clingy or desperate. I was, though. Draco visited me, but we hadn't made any sort of plan at all. He figured I first needed to know how Harry was with me.

At last, two miserable weeks later after our break-up Hedwig came flying through my open window. My heart beating fast, I stood up from my bed and went over the window where I untied the little piece of parchment from the owl.

_Lucia,_

_It's time we'd talk. At our regular place, midnight. _

_Harry_

Very seldom had I seen anything so distant from Harry, but it was better than the awful nothing I'd been tortured with for the past fortnight. I wondered what he meant with it. Perhaps he just wanted to say for real that he never wanted to see me again, that he wanted nothing to do with the baby. I couldn't bear that thought at all, I'd better just think of nothing, expect nothing, or I'd drive myself even more crazy than I already was.

* * *

Exactly at midnight I apparated to the place behind the Shrieking Shack where Harry and I had a habit of meeting. Despite my promise to expect nothing, my mind was rattling with hundreds of thoughts. I was frightened. Frightened to hear for sure that my only love wanted nothing to do with my and our child anymore. That he hated us. At the same time I knew Harry was very loyal and noble, and that he would never abandon an innocent child like that. I, on the other hand, was a lot less innocent.

I was surprised to see, when he too apparated here, that he looked just as awful as I did, perhaps even more. Harry too had dark circles under his eyes and looked very tired.

"Harry" I said quietly.

"Lucia" he greeted me, walking over. "It's been a while…" It was hard to say from his look what he wanted.

We sat down without saying anything, until I broke the silence. "I did fall in love with you, Harry. Our love isn't a lie" I pleaded, almost choking on the forming tears.

"Is the child even mine?" he asked rather coldly.

"Of course the baby's yours! I never slept with anyone else!" I cried softly.

"Another lie, Lucie. You slept with Blaise" Harry said quietly. My word was falling apart more every second.

"That was when I was already pregnant".

He shook his head sadly. "I loved you more than anything ever, and I still do, that doesn't just stop one day to another. I gave you more of myself than I ever did to _anyone _else, and you took advantage of that trust. You hurt me more than anyone else ever could have."

I interrupted him with a sob; I didn't want him to be sad, Merlin, why did I have to confess everything?

"I let myself get distracted, and I shouldn't have. I should have realised that my goal for now is to kill Voldemort". He ignored the shiver that went through me as he spoke the Dark Lord's name. "I won't set that goal aside anymore. People get killed every day, and only I can stop that, Lucia."

I nodded and played with my silver bracelet nervously. "I know you have to be the hero. But please, Harry. Think of us, think of the baby!"

"I will think of that" Harry replied. "I love our child, no matter what, and I just said already that I still love you too, though at the moment I'd rather not, but I can't stop that. I want you both to be safe. But you're still evil, Lucia".

"No I'm not! I..I don't want to hurt people anymore. I've changed Harry! I want to change!" I was blinded by tears, but now no one would pity me. This was all happening because of me.

"I can see you're sincere" Harry said, still quietly. "I don't want to know how evil you were, or what things you did. If I knew I probably wouldn't be saying this. Just this time I believe you want to change, for your own sake and for the baby's, so I'll protect you. But I won't trust you. I don't know if I ever will again".

I hung my head in shame; knowing every word he said was true. I should be immensely grateful that he didn't abandon me in this state, and in a certain way I was, but it would have been better if everything were different. If I hadn't ruined everything. Perhaps I shouldn't have started this in the first place; but what choice had I had? No one could say no to the Dark Lord and survive. I had just wanted to survive.

* * *

As with every ball held at the Malfoy Manor the place looked absolutely gorgeous. With the golden touches here and there, and the Slytherin flags priding on the walls and sides of the staircases, it looked every bit the Pureblood society gathering it was really supposed to be. I found myself in the middle of the dance floor, dancing with Blaise. As usually I wore a dress that made other women turn green with jealousy, and my necklace, made of real diamonds, had cost father quite a fortune. It matched the earrings I had gotten on my seventeenth birthday perfectly.

"I'm glad you're feeling better, Lucie" Blaise said into my ear as we waltzed around gracefully.

"So am I" was my distant reply.

"Honestly, darling, you hadn't wanted to miss this" he whispered to me in a tone that made me look at him curiously.

"How do you mean that? It's just a party like any other".

"I have reason to believe that the Dark Lord himself might visit" Blaise said, glancing around to make sure no one had heard this little secret.

I let out a small gasp. "What?" Surely this would ruin the whole plan. I glanced at Draco who was across the room with Tonks, who had metamorphed herself to have long, dirty blond hair and a rather remarkable nose. Only she wasn't Tonks tonight, but Pandora; Draco's new girlfriend. Evidently there was no time for me to change plans or even warn them, for with a sickening loud thud the Manor's doors opened, allowing the Dark Lord along with about six Death Eaters entrance. The whole ball fell silent at once, even the House Elves.

"Everyone on their knees!" The Dark Lord called out when no one dared to move. "Only my Death Eaters are allowed to stand in my presence!". At once the whole room dropped down on their knees, and I felt I had no choice but to follow Blaise over to him.

"My Lord" I knelt down at his feet, Blaise on the other side of me. "How wonderfully surprising to have you here at our home tonight, and for such a notorious occasion as well".

"I have come to congratulate my Death Eaters on their upcoming marriage" Voldemort replied with just a hint of malice. "And because I have heard something most…dissatisfying about you, Lucia".

My heart was beating fast again; it never seemed to get normal these days. "My Lord?" I asked, terrified.

"Yes… You see, I have heard, that you may have lost interest in being a Death Eater".

This time it was more like my heart actually stopped. "Lost interest? O-of course not, master, who would say such a thing?"

Was it my imagination, or did I see aunt Bella grin proudly and knowingly?

"That is only for me to know. For a long time you have served me well, child, yet lately it indeed seems your heart is not in it anymore. Tell me, girl, do you want to be a Death Eater?"

"Yes, my Lord, more than anything" I replied what I would have replied perhaps a year ago.

"Do not lie to the Dark Lord!" he suddenly bellowed, sending a shiver through the crowd.

"There is something you want more. Speak up! Who's child do you carry inside of you?"

I shivered visibly now; doing my best to put up every single skill I had in Occlumency. "His" I eventually replied, my mind blank. "Blaise's".

I hardly dared to look at Blaise now, but the Dark Lord seemed to have no reason to doubt my word.

"Of course. I understand this changes some things. Yet, I still would like you to… prove yourself to us tonight" said the Dark Lord, a cold grin spreading over his now so very ugly face. "Dolohov, Avery" he called out. "Bring them in!".

Immediately the doors went open again and the two Death Eaters came in, each carrying a young muggle girl that couldn't be older than six.

"See here" said the Dark Lord. "My engagement gift to both of you. Make a sacrifice and show yourself still worthy of me".

The moment I saw the children I knew I could not do it. Part the new me, part my mother instinct forbid me to even think of hurting those children. I had no choice. No escape. I realised that all as I got to my feet.

"I cannot".

The Dark Lord arched an eyebrow he did not have. "You cannot?"

"I _will _not".

From then on, it all happened so very fast. Someone, I suspected Tonks, had thrown Instant Darkness Powder so the room was suddenly robbed of all its light. I felt my brother grab my arm, calling to Tonks to grab the children, and we disapparated well before the real chaos had broken out. Saved just in time.


	11. Changes

**11. ****Changes**

The cold night air made me shiver, yet only subconsciously. I hardly felt that the temperature had dropped several degrees in the two hours I had been sitting here now. Even less was I aware that the red, elegant ball dress I was still wearing looked remarkably odd in the civil surroundings of Grimmauld Place 12's garden.

_Everything was different now_, was the mantra that kept ghosting through my head. I was no longer in between good and evil, no longer stuck in the middle without a way out. I was with Harry, and that's where I wanted to be, yet I felt I just needed a moment to get used to the idea that my home was no longer my home, and my parents would surely no longer want to be my parents.

The only sound heard was that of a little nightingale, hiding somewhere between the trees. It sounded rather comforting to me; the soft, beautiful tones. Its melancholic song suited my mood very well, and for a moment I forgot everything around me, until the sound of an opening door brought me back to the present.

"Are you still sitting here, all alone?" sounded Harry's quiet voice through the darkness. He sat down beside me on the bench swing, making sure to not sit on the skirts of my dress. This was quite an accomplishment; the seat was not that big.

"It's nice here" was my equally-quiet reply. Thus, for a while we both sat in silence; both thinking our own thoughts, facing our own fears and nightmares, with the nightingale's song there to make sure it wasn't all depressing. It seemed a pity to talk out loud; neither of us wanted to break this idyllic atmosphere and face a ruined reality.

"Those children" I eventually whispered, glancing sideways at Harry's tired face.

"Are safe" he replied. "Ron and Hermione managed to find out where they came from, they're taking them home right now".

I let out a sigh of relief and started to very softly swing the bench. My momentarily relief did not last too long, however. I thought of my brother and abruptly stopped the bench from swinging by setting my feet firmly on the ground again.

"Draco?"

"He's also safe" Harry said, reaching out to gently stroke his fingers over my arm. It seemed he was rather hesitant to touch me now, as if we weren't expecting a child together. As if he hadn't been my first lover and friend. Perhaps he just thought I was fragile, for I probably looked it.

"I gave him a room to sleep in, upstairs. He'll have to stay here now; you're both being sought."

"I understand that". Once again I found myself longing that I had not told Harry of my betrayal to him. He would surely not have been hesitant to hold me in his arms then. It wouldn't have been awkward. It would also have been a lie, however. At least I could say now that everything I had was real.

"I'm still me, you know" I whispered softly, glancing at the ground. "I'll still feel the same to you".

This drew a small smile from Harry, and he laid an arm over my shoulders.

"I know that".

"Then why don't you want to touch me anymore? Why are you so reluctant? Do you think I will break? I'm only pregnant, that doesn't turn me into porcelain". It almost sounded as a snap; I hadn't intended that, but I supposed it was a start of my hormones taking the run with me.

"Shh, Luce, I'm not reluctant" Harry whispered, laying his index finger against my lips. "I'm tired. Can we please go to sleep now?"

I nodded timidly, and rose to my feet. The poor boy looked exhausted, and no one could blame him; after all the things he has to cope with these days. I tend to forget sometimes that he carries the weight of the world on his shoulders. He has to save us all, a momentous task. Did he not deserve to find peace and rest in his lover's arms instead of more trouble, more difficulties? I promised myself to be less selfish then, and take care of him more.

His bedroom, or rather _our _bedroom now, looked safe with its dark curtains closed and two candles on the nightstands illuminating just the necessary. We were once again silent as we changed into our nightclothes. I was glad to finally be able to take off my dress now, and my diamonds. They were part of a person I had left behind at the Malfoy Manor tonight, someone I no longer was or wanted to be.

"You looked very pretty tonight" Harry said to me as I dressed into a long-sleeved sweatshirt of his, of course much too big for me.

"Well, you won't see me wearing things like these anymore now" I replied, placing the diamond earrings and necklace on the nightstand as if they were no more than fake pearls. "Will you still find me attractive without all that?"

We climbed into the bed together, me still sitting on top of the blankets. "You know very well that I find you pretty no matter what you wear" Harry said, carefully removing all the hairpins from my hair.

I closed my eyes at the feeling of his hands in my hair when it was let down, and then softly caressing the sensitive skin of my neck.

"Harry" I whispered, leaning my back against his chest as we settled under the blankets, our heads on the same pillow.

"Yes, Lucie?"

"I feel… guilt. So much of it" I finally dared to admit, now the lights were off and he wouldn't be able to directly look into my eyes.

"I know you do" Harry whispered back, his fingers finding their way into my hair again. "And you should."

"What can I do?" I asked, finally turning over on my other side so we were facing each other.

"Nothing. I don't think the feeling will ever pass. All you can do now is the opposite; do good things to try and make up for everything you did. To show that you want to change".

I thought these words over for a while. I really wanted to change. "Do you think I can?"

"I know you can. And tonight you've made a very good step. You denied Voldemort; that's a very brave thing to do, Luce" he said, pressing a soft kiss on my forehead.

"Everyone would have done the same" I said with a sigh.

"I don't think so at all. Many would have just decided that they didn't have a choice, but there's always a choice. You've proved that you're willing to change, and I'm proud of that".

"I'm proud of you too" I whispered against his lips before they melted together in a sweet kiss. When we broke apart again, Harry looked at me with some sort of guilt in his eyes, like something was wrong.

"What is it?"

"I may have to leave, for a while" he said, pulling me closer when my eyes widened with confusion.

"Leave?" I held onto him closer, as if that would change his mind.

Harry nodded, somewhat apologetically. "We _are _fighting a war, Lucie. We won't stand this situation for much longer, none of us. I have to do something".

I sat back up in the bed, tears forming in my eyes. "Do what?"

"I can't tell you exactly what it is. It's a task Dumbledore left me to do. Maybe I should have done it sooner, but I hoped…" Harry shook his head after sitting up beside me. "I wanted to wait until it was absolutely necessary. There's no way back now".

Of course I could try the best I could to stop Harry. To convince him that he really was best of with me and our baby, that I wouldn't make it without him. Yet from the look that was in his eyes I could tell it wouldn't matter. This was, or so he believed, his destiny. Nothing or no one, not even me, would be able to make him forget or even ignore that. If I loved him, which I did, I knew I had no choice but to let him go.

"For how long?" I therefore asked, in a little voice.

"I don't know" he replied then. "But it may be long, Lucie. I want you to be prepared for that".

"But you'll be back when the baby is born, right?" I demanded quite desperately.

"I can't promise anything". Harry looked down and it was clear that this was not at all easy on him. I knew I had fallen in love with a hero, one that you wouldn't come across twice in a lifetime. It was a blessing, most of the time, to have such a noble and loyal man. Yet at other times, like now, it was a curse. If he had only been a little more selfish he might have chosen his own luck and fortune over ending the war. But he wasn't.

"But I do want us to be a family, Luce" he continued. "A real family, so that we're also officially together when the baby is born. I want to do this properly".

I smiled up at him lazily; it was late, and we both needed sleep. "What are you saying, Harry?"

"I want you to marry me" he whispered, his breath warm against my skin as always when I was freezing with despair and fear.

"I don't want you to marry me because I'm going to have your baby. I want you to marry me because you love me".

"Don't I love you?" Harry continued. "We're going through complicated times right now, but I do love you, didn't I tell you that?"

"You did" I replied softly, stroking his untidy black hair.

"Then say yes, Lucie. Be a family with me and Junior".

Perhaps he was right. Harry was a decent guy, after all. He would never marry for the wrong reasons. I knew he loved me, and I loved him. Then why should I care if there were other reasons playing a part in this? I wanted to marry Harry.

"Yes, I'll marry you. I'll be your wife and your Mrs. Potter" I said then with a little smile, picturing a happy image of Harry and I with an untidy-haired, green-eyed baby that tried to steal Harry's glasses while giggling very loudly. With this, I fell into a long, much-needed slumber.

* * *

Now that Harry and I were engaged, we could certainly not postpone me meeting his friends any longer. I was rather nervous, when the next morning I walked into The Burrow along with Harry and Draco for a brunch. Harry had told me a lot about all of his friends; how Ron was least likely to be thrilled about us partly because of his protectiveness over Ginny, how the Twins might be suspicious at first for the same reason, but later on would most likely ease up, and how Hermione and Luna would be most likely to be happy for us at least somewhat. It was unnecessary to say that I was frightened at this hardly positive prospect.

Our entrance was not very promising, for starters. They were all already seated at the table. I recognized the Weasleys, of course, by their red hair, and Fleur Delacour from the Triwizard Tournament. Then there was Hermione Granger, and Luna Lovegood, remarkable from not only her odd sense of style, also her strange Quidditch commentary during her fifth year and my third. Next to hear was Neville Longbottom and Tonks of course I already knew. Beside her sat who I supposed was her werewolf- husband Remus Lupin.

"Everyone" Harry started, drawing their attention as if we hadn't had it from the moment we walked in. "I want you to meet Lucia. My fiancée, and the mother of my child". I noticed how he hadn't mentioned my surname. Maybe he thought that would only make things worse.

Harry had talked to them before about me, I knew, but apparently he hadn't mentioned our child yet. A distinct murmur ran through the crowd, and I received a particularly foul look from said Ron Weasley.

"I like babies" sounded the vague voice from Luna. "They're pink and they smile a lot. You do have to be careful, though. I hear some can be allergic to Nargles".

"Er, thanks Luna" said Harry. "We'll keep that in mind".

Mrs. Weasley, who had been busy preparing the food when we had entered, walked over to us.

"We're very glad that you found happiness with _someone, _Harry" she said. It wasn't hard to notice that it was a grave disappointment that that 'someone' had not been her daughter.

"Thank you, Mrs. Weasley" replied Harry, with half a smile. I just stood beside him and said nothing, until Mrs. Weasley announced that the food was ready. Me and Harry seated ourselves next to Remus and Tonks and Ron and Hermione, along with Draco who looked most uncomfortable. We were all remarkably silent after most of the ones present had congratulated us, some more sincere than others, on our engagement and on my pregnancy.

"I thought only house elves could cook like this!" Draco exclaimed after tasting some of Mrs. Weasley's delicious vegetable soup.

I was sure my brother hadn't meant it particularly in the way it sounded, but Ron didn't appear to consider that.

"You don't insult my mother, you ferret!"

"I wasn't- what did you just call me, WEASEL?"

Before anyone could do something, the two were pointing their wands at each other and did not look like anything would be able to stop them from duelling or simply hexing each other at random.

"Stop it! Both of you, right this instant!" said Hermione, getting to stand between the two.

"Stay out of this, you Mudblood" Draco hissed with a true Malfoy-glare. I sighed deeply; this proved to be a very long day.

"You don't insult Herm-" Ron's sentence was cut off when Hermione elbowed him rather painfully in the ribs.

"I can't believe how childish you both are!" she said. "We're here for Harry, you know! You should be ashamed of yourself!" At this, Ron muttered something and stared sulkily at his already empty plate.

Somehow we all made it through the rest of the meal without any other interruptions. This did not keep me from feeling highly uncomfortable, though. I felt rather sorry for Harry that his best friend Ron acted so coldly toward him now, but I feared there was nothing I could do. All together, I was glad when the brunch was over and the Order members departed either for work or other duties.

In the hallway, where Harry helped me to put on my cloak, Hermione joined us.

"I'm sorry about Ron" she said, not just to Harry, but to the both of us. "You know how he is. He'll ease up sooner or later".

"I know, Hermione, thanks" Harry replied. I could see he was having a hard time with this, though. Hopefully he would be able to make things up with Ron during their what I called 'trip'.

"I just wanted to say congratulations" Hermione continued, glancing curiously at me. "I mean, obviously, this isn't really what we had planned for you, Harry, but if you're happy…"

"I am" Harry replied, smiling at me while he said so.

"Well, then I'm happy" Hermione beamed, obviously happy that there wasn't any tension between her and Harry anymore.

I relaxed somewhat and returned her smile. Surely I wasn't going to be accepted right away; that would be rather difficult in this tight circle of friends, but at least Hermione seemed to give me a chance. A small chance, to see me as a girl rather than just a Malfoy.


	12. Till Death Do Us Part

**12. Till Death Do Us Part**

It was a Monday morning in late September, a week after Harry's propose to me. It seemed so odd to me now, to be standing here in this Muggle church in my simple, yet very fine white wedding dress, when a week ago I had not even known yet that I was going to marry Harry. I liked it, though, and a smile crept over my face as I thought about how upset my parents would be if they knew my wedding was held in a Muggle church.

Now Harry and I were both very unsafe in public in the Wizarding World, we had decided to take Hermione's advice and find a Muggle priest and church to wed us. Married was married, after all. Since a trip to Diagon Alley now was rather risky as well, I had bought my dress in a Muggle store too, with Hermione and Tonks giving me advice. It had all happened very fast. It had to, for after the wedding Harry, Ron and Hermione would leave on their so-called 'trip' that was supposed to help destroy the Dark Lord. I had to admit I wasn't so sure of it. They hadn't seen the countless murders and tortures he had committed, but of course I trusted and supported Harry, as a wife was to do.

"Lucia, are you ready?" Hermione entered the room in the back of the church in which I had withdrawn for some last minute preparations. And to throw up yet again; this baby was rather hard on me.

"Just a few more minutes, please" I replied, glancing at myself in the mirror. When I was younger I could sometimes spend hours on end staring at my reflection, but somehow that did not seem interesting anymore now that I had greater things to admire than myself. My husband and my child. I did notice I looked very well, if you didn't count my pale expression due to my morning nausea. The dress had been a very good choice; long and classic as I liked so much. There were not many physical signs of pregnancy on me just yet, but I suppose it was only good I was not yet showing at six weeks.

"Are you nervous?"

I noticed Hermione was even kinder than usual. Perhaps she pitied me; I was merely a young, pregnant bride after all, about to be left alone by her husband hardly an hour after the ceremony.

"Not really" I replied truthfully. It all felt rather natural, besides Harry leaving, of course. That's why we had had to have the wedding so soon: Harry had insisted on us being wed before he left, just in case. It was not a very happy thought, but I greatly respected his nobility and care.

"You look very pretty" Hermione smiled, matching that description as well in her lilac bridesmaid dress. I had chosen her as my maid of honour; someone my own age, someone kind. It was almost like having a new friend.

I replied to her with a soft smile while adding one last pin to my hair. I had used a spell to curl it, and then done it up with silver hairpins.

"Okay, done" I said eventually, rising from my seat. It was strange now that I was so close to getting married. As a little girl I had always imagined a huge wedding with hundreds of guests, flowers, bridesmaids of all ages, and peace. Least of all had I thought I would marry in the middle of a war time with the hero himself, surrounded by less than twenty people, two bridesmaids and a limited amount of family. I had thought my parents would be there, too. There was no hope of that now, surely. Even if they would want to, which I doubt, they wouldn't be able to come. Admittedly, this hurt me more than I would have ever expected. I had Harry, though. Of course the kind of wedding didn't matter at all when I was marrying the man of my dreams, but it was just an old little girl's dream I'd almost forgotten. Almost.

I followed Hermione to the church hall where we would marry and stood still there. She and Tonks would have to go in first.

"There's no one to walk me down the aisle" I said a little timidly. Tonks and Hermione glanced at each other with a rather sorrowful expression on their faces.

"I'm sorry, Lucia" Hermione said softly. "I'm sorry your parents can't…"

"Wait!" Tonks suddenly interrupted. "I have an idea". Leaving me and Hermione clueless (admittedly, confusion is not an expression I expected myself to see a lot on Hermione's face again), she went into the church hall, closing the door behind her again. Seconds later Tonks returned with a very widely grinning Draco behind her.

"I hear there are almost tears on your wedding day, sis" he spoke with that smug grin of his. "We can't have that now, can we?" He offered me his arm. "Come on then, we have a wedding to attend".

I smiled and almost got tears in my eyes indeed. My big brother; how could I have ever thought I hated him? He was all the family I had left, and admittedly he was growing up at last, or as much as that was possible for Draco Malfoy.

Hermione and Tonks entered the church first, me and Draco followed. As we entered and walked down the aisle I couldn't keep my eyes off my husband to be. There he was, looking all handsome. I could tell he had even done a very sufficient attempt to comb his hair. He hadn't succeeded, naturally, but he had tried.

As we had all got into our 'positions' the ceremony could start at last. Questioningly, I glanced at the very old-looking priest to Harry. He truly looked like he was at least a hundred years old. Harry shrugged and gave me a little grin, which I returned.

"We are gathered here today, to wed-" the ancient priest paused to glance at the piece of paper he held in his hand. Remembering our names had obviously been too much trouble. Or perhaps his memory just really couldn't handle that anymore. "Lucia Malfoy and Barry-".

"Harry" Harry corrected, frowning slightly.

"Are you sure? I thought this was a definite B" the priest said, staring at the paper again.

"It's not, believe me, I should know" Harry said. I could tell he was getting a little irritated now, and took his hand as I gave him a happy smile. I didn't care how old the priest was, as long as he could wed us.

"Right" the priest continued at last. "We are gathered here today to wed Lucia Malfoy and Harry Potter".

From the corner of my eye I noticed Ron and Hermione glancing at the clock. I knew they were in a hurry, apparently they had an appointment with some ancient witch in Godric's Hollow and of course it wasn't safe for us to be out and about in public at all.

"Could you please hurry a little?" I interrupted the not unkind old man. Harry and I didn't need bible texts to seal our love, anyway.

He glanced at me confused and suspiciously, but rummaged through his papers and got to the vows.

"All right. Larry-"

"Harry"

"Harry James Potter, do you take…" he paused again to glance at the paper before continuing. "Lucrecia Bellatrix Malfoy to be your lawfully wedded wife? To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do you part?"

"I do" Harry smiled earnestly at me as he said the words, his earlier irritations completely forgotten.

"Lucrecia Bellatrix Malfoy, do you take Harry…" a sigh of relief escaped from my lips that at least this once he got the name right. "Harry James Potter to be your lawfully wedded husband? To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do you part?"

"I do" I too said, smiling happily at my Harry.

I was away far into the clouds as we exchanged the rings. I barely heard the other things the priest said, being lost in two pools of beautiful green. I heard the last thing, though.

"Then I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride".

Harry's lips found mine directly after the priest had said it. We were one now, connected by law in addition to in soul and heart. United officially, and nothing would be able to separate us.

In the hour after our wedding, we were congratulated by all the Order of the Phoenix members that had been able to attend the wedding. I hadn't noticed it before, but even Ginny had come along with her parents and brothers. I greatly respected her for that. If I were in her place, I certainly wouldn't have come. It was nice to receive all those congratulations and hugs and kisses, but I had to admit I would very much like to have my husband to myself just a few more minutes before he would have to depart. Thankfully Harry apparently felt the same thing, for he pulled me into a deserted, empty room as soon as all the guests were preoccupied.

"Lucie" he said, all his love sounding through in that one word.

"Harry". The kiss that followed said it all, and neither of us wanted to let go. We had to, though. None of this could last forever.

"Luce" he whispered in my ear, his hands gently stroking my hair. "Before I go… I need to say something".

"Okay". I looked up at him expectantly, my fingers entwining with his, admiring the sight of the two golden rings.

"You can't stay at Grimmauld Place 12. It's not safe. They know it's my house, they'll expect you to stay there with Draco."

"Where would I go?" I asked somewhat confused. I knew he did not want me to come with him, as much as I would like to. It would be highly unsafe for the baby, which we wanted to protect, and we also both knew that whatever he was to do would certainly not be 'my kind of thing'.

"Tonks's parents offered to let you and Draco stay with them. Your aunt and uncle. They're very nice people, they're also here at the wedding".

My arms went around his neck and yet another kiss was shared. We were newlyweds, after all.

"Do you want me to go and stay with them?"

"Yes"

"Then I will" I replied, gently taking his hand and placing it on my stomach. "Junior and I will miss you". If Harry really wanted me to stay with my aunt and uncle, then I was sure he had his reasons for it. It didn't really matter much where I was staying anyway; as long as the baby wouldn't be in any danger.

"I'll miss you and Junior too". He caressed my stomach gently. "What do you think Junior's going to be?"

"A boy" I smiled, putting my hand on top of his. "What do you want to have?"

"Anything you've got in there, as long as it's healthy". Harry put his arm around me and together we went outside to receive some more congratulations from the remaining guests.

"These are Tonks's parents: Andromeda and Ted Tonks" Harry introduced me. "And this is your niece, Lucia Potter". He grinned at me at the mentioning of the last name. It would take a little time getting used to that.

"Hello" I shook both their hands: they didn't look at all unfriendly.

"Nice to finally meet you" aunt Andromeda said. "And congratulations to both of you, of course"

"Thank you, it was nice of you both to come" said Harry in reply.

"Yes, and thank you for letting me and Draco stay with you" I added. "Have you met him yet?"

Aunt Andromeda nodded. "Yes, 'Dora just introduced us. He looks a lot like his mother".

Funny, I thought, for Draco always wanted to look like father. My aunt knew my mother, of course, that was easy to forget. I was now meeting the 'lost Black sister'.

Before we had a chance to talk further, Ron and Hermione came up. "Harry, we really have to go now" Hermione said, looking rather guilty about interrupting our wedding day. Harry and I had both agreed to make it short, though.

Saying goodbye was never easy and least of all when you had only been married for an hour. I found myself clinging to Harry like a needy child. Perhaps I was. My eyes were blinded by tears and I barely heard the words of comfort he spoke to me; my head too panicked as the realisation hit me that this might just be the very last time I saw my husband. He was going to fight a war, not on a holiday or a nice trip.

"Harry" I cried. "Please".

"Shh, Luce, I'll come back. Very soon. And then we'll have our family". Had my eyes not been filled with my own tears, I would have noticed his. My brave boy, crying to his bride with twenty or so guests gathered around us.

I had prepared for this for so long, ever since our engagement I had known that he would have to leave soon. Yet now, it was so hard. Harder than I had ever imagined. My mind wanted to stop him, to beg him to stay, but my heart said no. I had married the complete package. Not just kind, loving Harry with a thing for Quidditch. The hero was included as well. It was suddenly a complete mystery what so many women saw in heroes; that side of Harry mainly caused me pain right now.

It had taken aunt Andie and Draco hours to convince me to change out of my wedding dress. I knew it was ridiculous, but when I took it off I grieved for the loss of it. I wanted to hold on to the day of my wedding forever. To the day I had seen Harry healthy and alive. No one knew what state he would be in the next time I would see him. If I would see him. The day had gone by much too fast, I hadn't even realised the sun going down. I hadn't even looked around in the house I was going to stay Merlin knew how long in. At dinner I did not taste the food so lovingly prepared by my aunt and I heard none of uncle Ted's jokes, made to lighten up the atmosphere. I did not even notice that Draco looked happy like this; in a family where we ate together and where no extreme things were expected of the children. In a family with love.

After dinner I withdrew myself in my room as quickly as possible, desperate to be alone to be able to let my tears flow. In public, I wanted to be strong, but now that I was alone I could express all my aches without being embarrassed. I cried more tears than I ever thought possible; my pillow was soaked through by them. It went on for hours, until after midnight, and then I finally became calm. Exhausted by my own emotion I lay still on my bed, shivering both with cold and fatigue. My body was trying to express all the things it needed: food, drinks, a shower, perhaps. I ignored them. I couldn't ignore the knock on the door, though.

"Lucia, may I come in?" sounded aunt Andie's voice.

"Yes" I replied quietly, too tired to even try and hide the state I was in.

"Darling" she said softly, lovingly, as she took in my exhausted little form. In the silence that followed she reached out and stroked my hair, wet from the tears, out of my face. She didn't seem to hate me because I was a Malfoy, not even because my mother, her little sister, had abandoned her. Tonks had told me her mother was very sweet, and I could see what she meant now. I wanted aunt Andie to like me too. I needed her to.

"I brought you some food" she said then, putting the plate I hadn't noticed before on the nightstand. "I figured you might be hungry; you barely ate during dinner".

"Thank you" I whispered weakly, closing my eyes for a brief second. They were burning from all the tears.

Aunt Andie helped me sit up, and it was the first time I truly took a good look at her. At the first sight, she appeared to resemble aunt Bella most of the two sisters. Her hair was just as dark, only not curly, and her eyes were the same dark brown, almost black. The difference was, however, that aunt Andie looked very kind. Her eyes shone with friendliness, and she smiled a lot. A beautiful smile. When you looked closer, you could see that there was a great deal of my mother in her too. Aunt Andie shared her delicate, slender figure and they seemed to be about the same height.

"Why are you nice to me?" I couldn't help but ask. She must once have been terribly hurt by her sisters. It would only seem human and almost normal for her to take that out on her niece.

"Why am I nice to you? Darling, why wouldn't I be?" she looked truly confused.

"But my mother, and aunt Bella…"

"I don't wish to speak of them" aunt Andie said quietly. "That is the past, Lucia. I am helping you because I want to do something in this war. I want to help, even though I'm not too good with duelling and all the things the Order does. This is my way of helping. And how could I not help you, sweetheart? We're family, don't you feel it?"

I nodded dumbly, surprised by how much she was truly unlike the Blacks and the Malfoys. She seemed to have completely differentiated from them.

When I had eaten the dinner she brought me, and drank some nice and cool water, I let my aunt tuck me in safely into bed. She stayed with me even after I was starting to feel all warm and fuzzy: the first sign of sleep taking me over. In my sleepy head the thought occurred to me that aunt Andie had been more of a mother to me tonight than my own mother had ever been.


	13. What Will Become Of Us?

**13. What will become of us? **

It was almost miraculous how slow time went by. Not that aunt Andie didn't try to make things as easy as possible for me and Draco; the point was merely that things weren't, no matter how hard she tried. I was six months pregnant now, that in the first place already did not make this situation perfect. Emotions are nearly always present in a time of war, and with a doze of hormones to double them up it's not very easy to stay calm. Missing Harry had at first seemed to get harder every day, instead of easier like it was supposed to. Every time the baby kicked I felt so bad that he had to miss this all. No one had heard from him, Hermione or Ron at all. We did not even know if he was still alive, though I dared not to think of the fact that there was a possibility that he wasn't.

Things for aunt Andie were rather difficult too. Uncle Ted had gone into hiding a few weeks ago. He did not want to risk putting his family in any danger. So that brought me and my aunt in a situation that was, in a way, similar. We both had to miss our husbands. It was strange getting used to my new name, Lucia Potter, without Harry by my side, smiling about how often I mentioned that I was no longer a Malfoy.

Me and Draco were not allowed to leave the house at all, Harry had made that specifically clear before leaving. We didn't know where the Death Eaters were; we could expect them anywhere, even in this street aunt Andie and uncle Ted lived in. It had taken me a few days after the wedding to truly become aware of my surroundings. It was only then I had noticed that my aunt and uncle lived in quite a muggle neighbourhood. I was aware, naturally, that uncle Ted was a muggleborn, or what I would previously have called a _mudblood. _Marrying him was of course the reason aunt Andie had been disowned and blasted off aunt Walburga's family tree. I found myself learning to deal with it, though. I was able to look at him objectively and find him a nice personality to be around. Even though I did not know him very well, I missed his jokes around the house.

I spent my days helping aunt Andie around the house. Some things she did without magic, like cooking. Apparently she and her husband had found a nice balance between life in the muggle and magical world. They even owned two very strange muggle things called a fellytone and a tevelision, also referred to as a TV. I didn't understand much about how they worked, but after I had gotten over the first shock of living in the same house as these things, I had come to the conclusion that they were, at least to a certain degree, interesting.

The time here was also spent on thinking of a name for the baby. I had written complete rolls of parchment full with name-suggestions, but how on earth would I ever be able to pick one from all of those? Today was another day I tortured myself with thousands of odd names ranging from Apollo or Athena to Zeus or Quirina.

"Still no name for my nephew?" Draco asked the second he came into my room. "If I may suggest, 'Draco' would be a very nice, strong name for him."

"Oh shut up, _Dracie_" I snapped impatiently. His suggestions were distracting me. "I'd rather name my child after a house elf than that! Name your own child Draco."

"Whatever" he said as he shoved me to one side of the bed I was lounging on and dropped down on a part of my much-needed space. "'Draco Potter' would be a horrid name anyway".

"It would be" I agreed. "And by the way, who says your _nephew _needs a name? It could be a girl".

Draco snorted and grabbed the list full of names I had been holding. "You said yourself you thought it was a boy. And besides, what in Merlin's name would I do with a _niece?_ Especially if she turns out to look like you. Or like her father, that would be even worse".

"Well, dear brother, let me warn you in advance then that it is very likely for him, or her, to look like at least one of her parents". I didn't want to show it, but even the mere mention of Harry was enough to bring me in a sad mood again. If only I were able to write to him, that would help so much already. Perhaps my owl would be able to figure out where he was. All forms of contact were much too dangerous, though. I didn't want to risk anything, but I wasn't sure how long I would be able to hold this out anymore. This war was starting to break us up, yet somehow life at the Tonks's made everything a little more bearable. Aunt Andie was very nice, she truly felt like family. In the middle of this tragic war, we tried to be a family. We had all three meals together, and at night she'd come into my room to chat for a while before we went to sleep. Sometimes Draco even joined us. We weren't truly happy, of course we weren't, with our husbands and friends and everyone else missing, but it was as close to it as we could be. But for how much longer?

It was almost three months from then that tragedy struck. We got the message of uncle Ted's death on a quiet Monday evening. Somewhere deep down we had all known something like this must happen sometime. We'd gone so long safely; it just wasn't bound to last. The first few days after uncle Ted's death a lot of people were coming into the house to pay their respects to aunt Andie and to Tonks and Remus, who of course had lost their, respectively, father and father-in-law.

Aunt Andie was remarkably strong; we hadn't seen her cry once. She was probably trying to be strong for her daughter and the rest of the family among who were Ted's parents; they were still alive too. It must be awful to see your child die. The most awful thing that can ever happen to a woman, I could understand that now that I was carrying a child of my own.

It had been decided that Draco and I would be allowed to attend the funeral. It would be held in the same church where Harry and I had married, and both Muggles and Wizarding folks would be attending. The church was only a short walk from the house, so we didn't see any danger in going there. Just how big was the chance that Death Eaters would know when uncle Ted would be buried, and where he would be buried. It was a pretty small chance we decided to take. Especially to support aunt Andie.

On the night before the funeral when I was heading downstairs to get a midnight snack to soothe the persistent cravings I had now at the weirdest of times, I found aunt Andie at the kitchen table. At first I thought she too needed a snack after dinner or perhaps a drink before bed time.

"Aunt Andie? Aren't you sleeping yet?" I asked softly; with the kind of voice you speak in when somebody died. When she looked up it wasn't hard to discover her tear-stained face, her red, puffy eyes and the tears still rolling down her cheeks. Of course. How could I have been so stupid to think that she wouldn't cry for her husband's death? He must have been everything for her. She must be broken, and I had missed it from happening. What kind of niece was I?

"Oh" I said quietly, feeling as if I had interrupted a moment that was very private and secret. Perhaps she had meant it that way; she seemed the type that would be able to think that her grief was a burden on everyone else.

"Aunt Andie, I'm so sorry…". I seated myself beside her, unsure what to do or what to say to her. "I thought you were asleep".

Andromeda shook her head slowly. She just sat there, staring into nothingness, tears running down her face silently. She cried soundlessly.

"I couldn't sleep, Lucia" she replied eventually.

Hesitantly, I extended a hand to rub her back softly, trying to at least show some sign of comfort. I had never really experienced loss; my grandparents had passed away either before I was born or when I was just a baby, so I remembered nothing of that. Therefore I had no idea how to handle, or how to try and comfort my aunt. I didn't think I really could; what did you say to someone who had just lost her husband, her soul mate? It was even worse to face that I, too, in my Death Eater's days, had caused such grief onto families. Never before had I thought of that, yet now it seemed to be nearly always on my mind. What terrible things I had done. At times like these I too wondered what would become of me, after the war. If it weren't for the child I might have already turned myself in, but even Azkaban was under the influence of the Dark Lord now. It would mean my death instead of my redemption. I was aware I was already changing, I saw it in little things; how I stopped using the word Mudblood, how I felt guilt over every evil thing I had ever done. But it was not enough. Would it ever be? I didn't think I would ever be able to make up for the things I did, but that did not mean I should not try. I was going to live a good life, I promised myself. I was going to teach my child to never become what his mother once was. He would have to look like his father.

"I couldn't sleep either" I replied to aunt Andie. "It's very quiet".

"Yes, it's ten times as quiet even though he hasn't been home for weeks". She gave me a weak smile through her tears; always so brave.

"Aunt Andie, can I… Is there anything I can do for you?"

She shook her head and looked at me glassy-eyed. "No darling, no one can. But it's time this war ended, don't you think?" Without much of a further word, she stood up and put her empty teacup in the sink before heading upstairs. At that point I did not understand yet why she so desperately wanted to be alone with her grief. Soon, however, I too would understand that it was too painful to explain to others the void and numbness that had been involuntarily put in her heart.

The next day was the funeral. Me and Draco accompanied aunt Andie, Remus and Tonks to the church where the memorial service would be held. Several people were already there when we made our way to our seats in the front in complete silence. Tonks and Remus sat down on one side of aunt Andie, me and Draco on the other. It was going to be a Muggle service, because that's what Ted would have wanted and that way all his Muggle-friends and relatives would be able to attend too without suspicion and danger of discovering our world.

I glanced at Draco for a moment and what I saw surprised me. There was a look on his face I did not recognise. Not on my brother, anyway. He looked almost sad, or was he just trying to adapt to the circumstances? Neither of us had known uncle Ted very well, after all.

"Dracie" I whispered, and when he looked up he looked like himself again. Perhaps it had just been my imagination.

"What?" he whispered back, looking over his shoulder to see many more people enter. I looked with him, remembering how different the church looked when Harry and I wedded here only about seven months ago. Death and the start of new life, as Harry and I had with Junior, could be frighteningly close together at times.

"Nothing" I replied, and glanced at the priest, not the same, old one as at our wedding, when he started the service.

The service was sad and beautiful at the same time; I couldn't help but cry during the speeches of those who knew Ted the best. Aunt Andie didn't cry here, and neither did Tonks, but I knew now that they were undoubtedly crying on the inside. Torn apart, even. Never to be mended fully again.

After the funeral I suddenly felt a little weak. There was a faint ache in my stomach, but so faint I didn't think I would have to pay any attention to it. It probably had something to do with the fact that I was very tired; I usually rested a lot now that I was nearly nine months pregnant.

Aunt Andie, Tonks and Remus were talking to a lot of people who were giving them their condolences and me and Draco had not much to do but wait. Some Weasleys were hanging around, too, including Ginny who kept shooting evil glances at me.

After a while I truly had to sit down. It was such a pity there was an unoccupied seat besides Ginny. It would seem rude if I would sit down on the bench far away from her, but did I want to sit next to her? Thinking perhaps it would get us at least somewhere, I sat down next to her, my hand resting on my stomach: Junior was kicking energetically.

"Hey Ginny" I said hesitantly.

"Hello" she replied, not sounding like she was in for a nice little chit-chat. I couldn't blame her.

"You must be uncomfortable, like that". She glanced at my stomach with an eyebrow raised that indicated it was not exactly a compliment. Of course she had all the right to be mean to me.

"Yes, I am. But not for a lot longer, I'm due in a week or so".

"Oh. Good for you". The look in her eyes revealed that she truly wished me the ugliest baby in the whole world.

"Lucia" I suddenly heard a voice, and I looked up, noticing aunt Andie standing before us.

"Draco said you weren't feeling well".

"Just a little tired, you don't need to worry about me" I replied quickly. This was her grief, her husband's funeral; I shouldn't go around and draw attention to myself.

"All right, but still I want you two to go home. It wasn't safe to bring you here in the first place, and it's certainly not safe to stay long".

Not wanting to refuse her now, I nodded and let Draco, who had shown up too, help me up.

"You shouldn't go alone" aunt Andie then said. "You don't know the neighbourhood, think of how dangerous it would be if you got lost!". I supposed her emotions were playing a part on her now. I was certainly able to walk a few blocks.

"We can't be careful enough now. Ginny, you know to find the house, right? You can walk with Draco and Lucia" she suggested.

Draco gave me a funny look, but if aunt Andie wanted this, then we would do it. We all wanted to support her, and if that meant walking home with my husband's ex-girlfriend then so be it. We went on our way, without speaking.

The rest went so fast that later on I did not even remember half of it. All I knew was that somewhere halfway between the church and my aunt's house, the Death Eaters had shown up. They must have heard somehow about the funeral and figured that we'd be there. There was a bit of a fight, during which most defensive spells came from Ginny, but there were five of them and only three of us, and they were stronger. I remember thinking, right before I got hit by a stunning spell, if this was the end? Had it all been for nothing, the months of caution and security? What would become of me, and more importantly: of my child?

* * *

A/N: Thanks for all my reviewers so far, do keep it up! Just click the blueish little button and type a few words of praise/none-praise/healthy criticism, I welcome it all! xxx-


	14. My End of the World

**14. My End of the World **

The first thing I noticed after regaining consciousness was the darkness. Darkness and silence all around me. My eyes and head felt very heavy and throbbed severely as if I had been run over by a truck. Of course my first natural response was to get up and run to find and escape, but before I had even managed to get up I had realised it would be useless. We were locked in one of the prisoner's cells in the dungeons of the Malfoy Manor.

Draco was on the floor beside me, still unconscious, and Ginny was leaning against the wall, half awake and her face ashen. After finally taking in my surroundings I somehow found the strength to reach for my brother's arm and shake it. He groaned quietly in response. When he finally opened his eyes I let out a sigh of relief.

"Lucie? What… where?"

It was my intention at first to try and appear calm, but I was nearly nine months pregnant, my husband was Merlin knew where, and it was very likely something highly unpleasant was about to happen to us. So much for staying calm.

"We got captured by the Death Eaters" I mainly replied, hoping the silence would explain enough.

"What? We can't be! Someone must… Someone will… Right?"

Just as I had feared, Draco immediately panicked. It did not exactly help me to remain calm.

"Someone _has to" _Ginny's voice suddenly assured us as she sat down besides me. Now my eyes had gotten used to the lack of light, I could just make out her face, her hazel brown eyes and her fiery red hair. She didn't look at all so frightened as Draco and I probably did, merely determined.

"You're married to Harry, Lucia" she said to me. "Shouldn't you of all people know then, that he would _never _leave us to die here? Harry is _always_ loyal to his friends and family, and believe me or not, we will not be stuck in here for long". Her strong faith in Harry surprised me after everything she had experienced with him. She was probably right, of course, but the problem was that he did not know we were here. The Order, who hopefully had noticed us missing by now, might be able to contact him, but what if they couldn't? What if we were left all alone here at Voldemort's mercy? Supposedly I should not be thinking of this: I had to be strong for myself and for the child. Surrendering myself to despair would not be of use to anyone at all.

Before I had a chance to reply to Ginny, we heard someone coming down the stairs: a dark, cloaked figure I immediately recognised as aunt Bellatrix. Frightened, I rested a hand on my stomach, as if I would be able to protect the child like that.

"Well well…" aunt Bella started, standing still in front of our cell. "My blood traitor niece, nephew, and a lovely Weasley girl. How lucky we are" she said mockingly. "The Dark Lord will be pleased".

At the moment I was unsure how I was feeling. I feared for what she would be able to do to my unborn child, but I no longer feared aunt Bella herself. I actually pitied her. She must have never known the love I know, or she certainly would not have turned out this way.

"So" she continued. "Postponing the conversation topic of your blood treachery: where is Harry Potter?"

The three of us exchanged glances and I felt a new union between us. We were all on the same side, no matter how much Ginny and I disliked each other. This was no longer about our opposing personalities: this was about good and evil. About life and death, most likely. Friendliness did not matter in that.

"We have no idea" Ginny replied, her face blank but her eyes full of hatred.

"Really" Bellatrix said mockingly. "Awww, how cute, protecting your little friend. But not for long!" she snapped, opening the door of our cell and grabbing Ginny firmly by the arms. "Let's see how well you deny your involvement under the Cruciatus Curse!"

I greatly admired the way Ginny still managed to remain calm and tried to let myself get inspired by it.

We know nothing, and even if we did we wouldn't tell you. No matter what curse you put upon us! she replied, without even looking the slightest bit helpless.

We shall see, little girl. Bellatrix so far did not seem very impressed with her attitude, but I believed Ginny would be able to stand her ground.

And to you two she continued, turning toward me and Draco. Don't think you're off the hook all of a sudden. I will return for you later. And it will not be pretty.

I swallowed and crawled a little closer to Draco as Bellatrix dragged Ginny upstairs. The door was magically locked behind her, as was our cell. Both of us knew it wouldn't be possible to help Ginny. They were with so many of them, and we were wandless, even, or so I had realised several minutes ago when I had tried to draw mine.

Ginny stayed away for what must have been at least several hours. We heard screaming and crying from upstairs. Neither I nor Draco said a word; what was there to say? If Ginny hadn't walked home with us it would have been merely the two of us being captured, so I suppose we both felt a little guilty.

The faint stomach ache I had had since that morning was still there, but it was no longer constant. Every half an hour or so, there was what I suppose you could describe as a distinct stab. Not strong enough to make it unbearable, but definitely present. I wasn't stupid, I knew what this meant. I was in labour.

Ginny returned in the middle of the night. I had to force myself not to gasp aloud. A walking corpse would be an appropriate description for the state she was in: there were small, shallow cuts all over her body, tiny trails of blood running down from several wounds and her face looked so pale and her eyes so exhausted that I knew she must have been put under the Cruciatus Curse several times. How I pitied her like I never would have thought I would. The moment Bella locked her back up into our cell, she fell to the floor. Draco rushed over to her and I followed as fast as I could with a nearly-born child in my belly.

"Ginny! Wake up!"

She moved a little and opened her eyes again finally after some minutes of shaking from Draco.

"Pain" she muttered. "C-cold".

Surprisingly I found my brother taking off his jacket and wrapping her in it. It was probably the first chivalrous act in his entire life. Had the situation not been so sad I would not have doubted on notifying him of this.

"What happened? What did they want?" I couldn't stop myself from asking as soon as Ginny had regained some warmth.

"They asked. About. Harry" she stammered, her teeth still chattering, her hands trembling with perhaps an aftershock, or otherwise still pain.

"And what did you tell them?"

"Nothing!" Ginny replied, as if this was something to take for granted. "We know nothing of Harry's current whereabouts, so there was nothing to tell there, but I shut up too when they asked about the Order".

"That's very brave" Draco told her, and it looked like she was returning his remark with a smile, as much as she was capable of smiling in this position. I would have said something too, had I not been bothered by another distinct pain in my abdomen.

For the rest of the night none of the Death Eaters came to check on us. I knew their tactics; they wanted to make us worried. Frighten us into thinking they would let us starve to death in here. I said nothing to Draco or to Ginny about the pains I had been experiencing since a day now. Very slowly they grew worse, and then they stopped for a while, and returned. I didn't want to cause panic or worry them unnecessarily. Perhaps these were just Braxton-Hicks, or 'fake' contractions and would just stop soon.

Ginny had recovered a little from the misery she had been put through the previous night, but she wasn't very strong yet and her cuts and bruises would of course take some time to heal. She was alive, though, and that was most important. She was also very strong. Draco watched over her like someone very unlike my brother would do. Once we had escaped, him and I needed to have a good conversation soon.

Through the single, tiny window in the basement we could tell whether it was night or day. As the sun started to go down on the second day of our imprisonment, I could no longer keep myself from groaning out loud with a new wave of pain washing over me. It could really not be ignored any longer this time.

"What's wrong?" Draco asked, sounding alarmed. He and Ginny had been in the middle of an attempt to get some sleep. It was not at all easy on this cold, hard stone floor.

"Nothing. Just a cramp" I replied, trying to really pass it off as one. My face, scrunched up in pain, gave it away, though.

"How long has this been going on?". Both Ginny and Draco were immediately awake now and watched me with a suspicious expression, as if this were all my fault.

"A while". It was probably the best to reply honestly now. If this was indeed what I feared it was, I was going to need their help. "All right, I felt little pains at the funeral already… but I didn't want to scare you or anything!"

"You idiot!" Draco stood up and had pulled one of his 'Draco faces' that I had hoped he'd gotten rid of. Bad luck there for me.

"If you had said something then we wouldn't have gone home, but to St. Mungo's maybe! Then we wouldn't have been captured!"

"Sure, blame me! "I yelled back when the pain had ceased. "If you hadn't intended to take me home we would have gone home with the rest of the Order, and we wouldn't have been captured either!"

"I didn't intend on taking you home, I-"

"Stop yelling!" Ginny interfered, looking terrifyingly much like Mrs. Weasley at that very moment. "We have more important things to do, if this is what we're afraid it is."

From then on the delivery had really started; I got stronger contractions, about every five minutes now. Something had to be done, we all realised that. But what? We had no tools, and neither Ginny nor Draco knew anything about giving birth. All I knew what that it was most likely to be very painful.

"Someone's going to have to … look" Ginny said eventually as I was gasping in pain with a new contraction.

"Look?" Draco sounded a lot more panicked than he had when we'd just found out we'd been captured. "What do you mean, 'look'?!". The high-pitched edge to his voice, I realised, would have made me laugh. Now it only made me want to cry: what would become of me and my baby now? Who would help us?

"What I mean" Ginny explained calmly "is that one of us is going to have to … look, to see how far she is dilated. I know that much".

"What's _dilated _?!" Draco looked at Ginny in a state of near-despair. "I'm certainly not going to look at my sister down _there!"_

"Like I know exactly what it is!" she snapped at him.

"You're a Weasley! You must know more than I do".

"That was a very foul remark, Malfoy, and you're lucky we're wandless. Now back to business. Basically, we have to check to make sure the baby's head is nowhere near coming out yet" Ginny tried to explain, and sighed moments later at my brother's face. "Fine, I'll do it. You sit behind her and support her, do you think you're capable of that without fainting?"

My brother replied with another foul look in her direction, but sat down behind me. I leaned against his chest, trying to somehow relax. There was one question I couldn't ban from my thoughts, though:

"So…Just in case. Hypothetically speaking. What do we do when the baby's head _is _coming out?"

I didn't miss the worried glance that was exchanged between Draco and Ginny. "_Well_?!"

"Then he will have to be born" Ginny said. I wondered if she was really that calm, or if it was just a mask.

My heart hammered in my chest as I pulled the hem of my dress till over my knees to make it easier for Ginny to do her thing. I didn't think I had ever been more frightened before. I shut my eyes tightly and squeezed Draco's hand till Ginny finished.

"Okay…" she said after a while, "I'm afraid you're more… ready for this than we hoped".

"Merlin, no" Draco gasped from behind me.

Tears leaked from my eyes: pain mixed with fear made it all a little too much for me to take. Giving birth itself is quite frightening, but like this, it was beyond that.

"You're making it worse!" Ginny snapped at Draco. "This is bad enough for her as it is without you emphasizing just how bad and awful everything is! Be a man for once, and stop whining!".

For a moment I was sure Draco was going to yell back, but thankfully he remained silent. I never thought I would be able to feel grateful for having Harry's ex around.

"So what do we do now?" I dared asking.

"We wait until you're fully dilated, I think that will be in about an hour; you're almost there. And then we help you get the baby out" Ginny replied.

"How do you know so much about it?" Draco asked her, sounding rather amazed. "You _are _the last Weasley of your generation, aren't you?"

"Don't worry, I'm really the last" she snapped at him. "And I don't know much about it, my mum just likes to talk about the misery we put her through before we were born. And save your remarks about that, Malfoy, because if she hadn't you would have had to help deliver your niece or nephew".

Draco muttered something inaudible and there was silence after that besides my occasional yelps and gasps and groans.

By the time I was, as Ginny stated, 'fully dilated', I was nearer to despair than I had ever been. My hair was a mess and wet with both tears and sweat. Apart from that I felt so warm I must have been nearly on fire from all from the intense pains I was going through.

"I think you're ready to push now" Ginny said eventually, her voice now despite everything a little shaky.

"Isn't someone supposed to help us?!" Draco said, his voice in turn a mix of anger, fear and disbelief.

"Like who? If you think the Death Eaters will even hear us, be my guest to scream. And besides: we may be better off without them as it is" Ginny spoke calmly, her hand resting on my knee in an attempt to help me stay calm. It wasn't working.

"Why are you doing this? Why are you helping me?" I was still leaning against Draco's chest, but it wasn't exactly comfortable. Of course getting comfortable in a dungeon was quite a task itself.

"What else am I suppose to do? I can hardly sit in the corner and watch you suffer, can I?"

"A lot of people would" Draco replied, getting involved in the conversation too.

"Well, Slytherins would, maybe. But Gryffindors always help those in need, no matter how much they dislike them". I could make out some sort of triumphant expression on Ginny's face, even in the dark. It was very clear she was proud to be a Gryffindor. She was still brave after the torture she'd been put through by Bellatrix and the other Death Eaters. I learned to admire her.

"So are you ready to do this?" she continued.

I thought about it. I didn't exactly have a choice: Junior wanted to come out and so he would. Why couldn't he have waited just a few more days, until we would have been saved? For a moment, I surrendered to the endless panic.

"No…No! I can't do it! "I sobbed, struggling against my brother's arms around me. "I won't!" I tried to hit the pairs of hands and arms reaching for me away, but eventually Draco got me in a tight embrace. He was stronger than me, especially now that I was weak from pain and emotion.

"You have to, Luce, there's no choice". Apparently my breakdown had made him see there was no room for two of us panicking.

I sobbed and shook my head again: not willing myself to listen. Where was Harry when I needed him so? Where was my husband who had promised to always take care of me, in sickness and in health and whatever other circumstances the priest had mentioned in our wedding vows?

"I know this seems like the most terrible thing in the world right now, but think of your baby when he's born a little while from now. Imagine holding him in your arms. Isn't that what you want? Isn't that what you've been waiting for, for the past nine months?"

Of course Draco was right. I had to calm down. I was only making this harder for myself, only making the pain worse.

"Okay" I whispered, letting him wipe some of my tears off with his thumb. "I'll give it a shot".

"Good girl" he smiled then, kissing my cheek, and glanced at Ginny. "So how do we do this?"

"Unless you're volunteering to take over my place here" Ginny said dryly, "you sit behind Lucia and let her squeeze your hands or whatever she needs you to do to help her".

If I had thought the contractions were bad, then the last part was pure hell. I had weakened myself quite a bit with all the screaming and struggling earlier. Perhaps I would have had more strength if I had eaten something. I had no idea how much time had passed. Somewhere in the background I heard Ginny's and Draco's voices trying to coach me through the whole thing, though I was truly in some sort of subspace of pain that only seemed to increase with every attempt I did to push the baby out of me. I hardly noticed the door of the cellar opening.

"I see we nearly missed something very important" Bellatrix remarked, stepping into our cell, followed by my mother. I could hardly see straight from the pain and fatigue, but their appearance was not easily missed.

"And Weasley is helping her!" she continued, laughing that awful laugh of hers. She pushed Ginny to the side and harshly examined me where I least wanted her to do so.

"Shouldn't be long, Cissy, get an elf to fetch some blankets and hot water" she instructed to mother, who looked rather hesitant, but left quickly, only to return moments later with a house elf and the said equipments.

As I screamed when another contraction hit me, I felt Draco's fingers gently stroke my hair away from my face. He couldn't really say anything now, but like that he showed that at least he was there for me.

Aunt Bella was less sensitive like that. She grabbed a handful of my hair and jerked it back harshly. "There's business going on upstairs they won't like to have disrupted! If you scream like that one more time I will personally make sure you have no tongue left to scream with!"

I swallowed hard and bit down on my lip to prevent myself from making any more noise.

"One more time now, then he'll be out" Bella concluded, sighing impatiently.

Just as I was about to give up, willing to lay down that very moment and die, I felt a cool hand brush against my feverishly warm forehead and looked up in the light blue eyes of my mother.

"Go ahead then" she said softly. "The head is out already'.

The feeling that perhaps not everyone in my old house hated me was slightly soothing. I gave one more push with new hope, clinging to Draco's hand and everything else I could hold on to. I tasted blood on my tongue due from biting on my lip, but all of that and my other physical pains faded to the background when I heard a baby's cries sounding through the empty, echoing dungeon. That moment was, ironically said but true, the most beautiful moment in my life. The moment I first laid eyes on my beautiful, perfect child, its first cries sounding as pure as the most beautiful melody. I was a mother; it no longer mattered that I was also just a prisoner of the Dark Lord with no other possessions than my baby and the clothes I was wearing.

"It's a girl" aunt Bella's voice said harshly, ruining the moment that should have only been devoted to my child. It was bad enough that she was the first to hold her.

Everything forgotten by the blissful moment of realisation that I had now a child, an unexpected daughter, I let out a breath of relief: it was over, all the terrible pains. I held my hands out to hold my baby, unable so far yet to realise that the world was much, much more evil and rotten than I would have ever thought. Never had I dared to fear they would do this to me. They, who were, despite being rotten and cruel and pure evil, still my family.

"Take her away" Bellatrix said coldly as she had wrapped my child in a blanket and had cut the umbilical cord. She handed her to another Death Eater whose face I did not recognise in the dark. "The Dark Lord will want to decide what to do with her".

The pain that cut through my heart at that very moment was so intense, so terrible and consuming, that I forgot how much I wanted to scream, fight, and scratch every part of those damn Death Eaters until they would return my baby to me. I was paralysed. Despite the war and everything else, I had always had something to hold on to: Harry and my child. They had made sure I was still standing. Right now, both were gone and I was left alone with a life that was no longer worth living.


	15. Zara Lillian Potter

**15. Zara Lillian Potter **

They must have thought I'd gone crazy. Lost my marbles. I hadn't, though. I was merely paralysed by my intense grief, unable to respond to either Ginny's or my brother's words. My body deceived me most of all: sending out primal signs such as physical pain, hunger, thirst and sleep while I was trying so hard to separate myself from all of these. What use was it to eat or sleep when my child, my precious darling, was somewhere here upstairs with the foulest creatures of mankind: the Death Eaters? The possibility that they had in fact not kept her alive at all was too difficult to bear, even in my already disastrous state. I would rather live the rest of my life in an illusion than admit such a thing to myself.

For the rest of the night after the delivery I listened as much as I could for the cries of a newborn baby upstairs. Of course it would be impossible to hear: it had taken them long enough to hear my cries, and they must have been much louder than a little baby's, but I had to do something. Each minute I did not hear her, I sank deeper away into my endless despair. Eventually it had brought me into this apathetic state; hearing, but not really. Intending to be deaf. Seeing, but not really seeing either. Desiring to be blind so I would not have to see this all, so I could have shut myself out so much easier.

Aunt Andie and I had been talking about giving birth once, about four weeks ago now. She said that right after a woman had delivered her child there was a certain emptiness she felt. After nine months she and her baby were separated for the first time. When she would hold the child into her arms, all would be well again and happiness would fill up the void and create a beautiful bond between mother and child. My void remained empty. There was no child I could hold into my arms to make it better, at least nowhere near me now. I did not know what I would do if the emptiness remained, but I did know it was not a feeling I longed for to live with.

"Lucia" Draco whispered the night after my baby's birth, shaking me gently. "Lucia, wake up" he nearly begged. I looked right through him, into the world of nothing that welcomed me like a lost child, embracing me with comforting darkness in which lay nothing but peace.

"The house elf brought some food" he continued. "You have to eat something, you're so weak". Still, I did not respond, preferring to remain in my own world where the pain I knew was not real, but just a nightmare. I had not even noticed the house elf in question bringing us food, or entering at all.

"Going on hunger strike won't change anything, they won't care" Ginny said softly, sitting on the floor besides Draco.

"I don't know what's wrong with her" I heard my brother say to Ginny, sounding scared and unsure.

"She's in pain, Draco, leave her be. She'll come around when she does, there's nothing we can do now."

Later that night, around midnight, sense and feeling returned to me and I was filled with what aunt Andie had taught me to never lose: hope.

The dungeons' door opened and I recognised the light footsteps of my mother on the stone steps. At that moment I was still too far away to notice. I didn't see yet that the reason she walked so slow and careful was that she were holding a small bundle in her arms.

"Lucia" she called to me hesitantly, standing still in front of our cell.

I was still too far away to reply, hearing her voice only in my subconscious. Ginny's reply was even further away; it was all like I was living in a dream world.

"She's been like that since yesterday" Ginny said, a tone of accusation to her voice.

"Mother, why are you here?" I heard Draco ask. Of course he was still a mummy's boy. Even now, in this despair, he still thought that she could solve everything, fix all his problems. He had always sought everything in mother; comfort, love, and most of all the reassurance we both knew father would never give him.

Mother shook her head at Draco's question; I felt her eyes merely directed toward me, still as she opened our cell door with her free hand and stepped inside.

"Lucia" she said again, softer now. "Would you like to hold your baby?"

I could not respond. I was so stuck in this new world; it was hard to come back. In addition to my pitiful state the blood loss from the delivery had made me dizzy and weak and had slowed down my reflexes. It helped to keep me in that safe darkness where pain was a stranger.

Mother knelt down by me and I felt her putting something small and warm in my arms, supporting them with her own.

"This is your daughter" she whispered in my ear, brushing a few dirty strands of hair behind my ear with her fingers. "She's just waking up".

The bundle in my arms made a small noise; it made me look down. The delicate, miraculous beauty of my child brought me back to reality. How I had dreamed of this moment! Nights and nights in Harry's absence had I imagined what our child would look like, how she would be. How warm she would feel once I held her safely in my arms.

"Oh" was all I could say then, completely in love with her after mere seconds. She was the exact image of her father; her hair just as dark, though now still soft and feathery-like, and her eyes… As if reading my mind, she opened them at that moment and stared at me with a pair of wide, bright eyes. They were still the blue of every newborn baby's, but I was doubtless they would soon be just as green as her father's. As far as I was concerned, this moment could last forever. There was no war, no pain, no utter despair while I held what I thought was the most beautiful child in forever in my arms.

"Hello" I whispered hoarsely, my voice worn out from the screaming during the delivery. My index finger gently stroked her soft cheek as she watched me with those eyes. She was brand new. No one had damaged or hurt her yet. She knew nothing of the rotten world and circumstances she was born in. I wished I could protect her forever and make sure she was never harmed.

When I looked up briefly I noticed that mother had gone over to speak to Draco and Ginny. She looked nervous. This must have been the only wrong, dangerous thing she'd ever done in her life. I respected mother for the way she had always tried to keep our family together, but she had always been the sort of wife I would never want to be. She was always preserved, quiet and obedient. Just like I would have been expected to be if I had married Blaise.

"Your father and the rest of the Death Eaters have gone out on a mission. They're not to know that I've been here" she said, glancing toward me. I only had eye for my baby, though. For how perfect she was.

"Lucia". She came back toward me and my baby and sat next to me. "Have you thought of a name for your baby yet?"

The question startled me a little. I hadn't thought of a name for a girl at all, Harry and I had been quite convinced that she were a girl and even Draco had supported this vision. We only had boy names…

"We thought…" I stopped for a minute to let my voice adjust to speaking in sentences again. "We thought she would be a boy…"

Mother smiled at me; it was easy to read the guilt in her eyes now. I thought, for the first time, that she might have truly missed not only Draco, but me as well.

"They've asked me to name her" she explained, looking down at the baby. "They want to keep her alive, for now… To make sure… to have…" she couldn't continue, the guilt increasing evidently.

Mother's guilt did nothing to me now, not while I could only think of my baby, and of Harry. How he had to miss this wonderful moment. I heard mother speaking, though. I would have to name my girl now or someone else would, and I couldn't risk that. Better a name thought of by one of the parents than of none. But what names did I like? Her middle name would at least have to be after Harry's mother, so that would be Lily, or Lillian if that suited better.

Rapidly I went through all the names I liked. I had always been into names; figuring out their meanings, seeing if they suited people. Lucia meant 'light'. I'm hardly sure if that suited me now, here in the darkness.

My baby had evidently decided to keep her eyes open and she was looking up at me with her questioning, beautiful face. She had long, dark eyelashes for a newborn, I noticed, and I was particularly proud of her little rosebud shaped mouth. She looked just like a gorgeous, new flower. Ready to bloom. With that thought, a name I had always found beautiful and special crept into my head. _Zara. _Zara meant 'blooming flower', the exact description of my daughter. Zara Lillian Potter.

"Lucia?" my mother's voice reminded me of her presence, of the fact that me and Zara were not alone.

"Yes" I spoke, my voice still sounding as if it belonged to someone else. "I want to call her Zara. Zara Lillian Potter".

Zara herself had enclosed her tiny fist around my finger. I wondered if she would like her name. If Harry would like her name. The sadness over the fact that he was not here now to choose our baby's name with me was horrible, but I also knew that I had no choice. How long would this misery have to continue? When would Harry finally return?

"I think that's a beautiful name" mother said gently. We sat in silence again as I just held Zara, held her so close to me.

"Lucia…". I knew from the tone of her voice that I was not going to like this one bit.

"I have to take Zara back upstairs now. I don't know when they will come back". I started to shake my head, every part of my being protesting against this. I'd been so thrilled to have her, and now my baby was being taken away again?! I certainly couldn't stand that.

"Please, Lucia". It almost sounded as if mother were begging me. I did not care.

"Please don't bring us all in trouble. I'll bring her back to you when they're out tomorrow, I promise". I felt Draco sit down on the other side of me, leaning in to whisper soothingly in my ear.

"Let her go, Luce, you're only going to cause us trouble. They'll get cranky and they might take that out on Zara. You don't want that, do you?"

I could see in my brother's eyes that he, at least, was not playing with me. He cared about us, about me and Zara. I felt slightly less alone now, with Draco sitting next to me, his hand stroking my back at an attempt of comfort. Slowly, I shook my head. He was right, I had to do what was best for my daughter now. There was no choice but to hang onto my mother's words.

"I'm really bringing her back tomorrow, darling, and she's being well taken care of" mother's voice said on the other side of me, noticing my emotional change and taking the opportunity to try and persuade me. I looked down at Zara one more time, my finger stroking her soft little cheeks, her feathery soft hair, her delicate hands…

"Goodbye, sweetheart "I whispered. "Sweet dreams, Zara". I felt tears welling up in my eyes as I handed her over to mother.

"Take care, you three" she said as she left and re-locked the cell door. Without any other word, she was gone. Gone with my child, leaving me unsure of when I would next see her. Would it really be tomorrow, or had that just been a lie to make sure I remained calm? All my limbs were frozen with fear for my little girl, and my husband.

"Stay with us now, Lucie". I felt a strong pair of arms around me as Draco held me against his chest. "Don't drift of again."

"Let it all out, don't keep it to yourself" Ginny added. From the corner of my eye I noticed her looking worried. I wondered what they were on about, the confusion and pain so overbearing it left me momentarily numb. But then I noticed the moisture forming in my eyes. I didn't want to cry, not now. How could I be so selfish to allow myself a break down while Harry and Zara were still continuously in danger?

"It's all right" Draco whispered. "Shh, you don't have to be embarrassed".

It was enough for me to let the tears stream freely. Now, of all times, I was probably most happy of all to have a sibling. In a time of despair, like now, he was here for me, despite how we used to dislike each other when we were children.

I cried for what seemed like hours on end without stopping. Draco held me in his arms like I was a baby, and Ginny too was very nice. I supposed they could feel my pain, though they could only imagine what it was like to have to be separated from your child like this.

When at last I had no more tears left to cry, I could already see the sun setting. I felt empty, tired, and perhaps even weaker than before, if that were possible. On the other hand: I was expressing my emotions now and no longer as close to insanity.

"I kept us up all night" I said hoarsely, apologetically, as I detected the strain on my brother's and Ginny's faces.

"If we would have had a soft four-poster bed with silk or satin sheets available here then that might have been a problem, but for this time I think I'll forgive you" Draco muttered with half a grin.

We continued living like this for three more days. Mother kept her promise; every night when the Death Eaters were out, she brought Zara to me. I'd hold her, cuddle her and kiss her like any mother would do with her newborn baby. Zara brought me hope. Hope that Harry had not left us forever. He would return to us soon. And I was right. On Zara's 4th day, just as mother had brought her down, there was an audible _crack! _Outside the cell that made us all look up. And there he was, my husband whom I had not seen in over seven months. I was once again paralysed, feeling too much to make a choice between what to express first. I couldn't cry, scream, yell or even talk. I had waited for this moment since the minute he left, but now it had arrived, I was numb again.

* * *

**Author's Note: Thanks for reading this chapter, everyone who has! I greatly enjoyed writing it. May I remind you all to drop a review? Just press the purple-ish button on the left and type a few (or a lot!) words of constructive criticism/praise/ non-praise, etc. Only takes a minute, makes me very happy! **


	16. A New World

**16. A New World**

"Lucia... Lucie". Why was his voice so real when I was hallucinating? I could feel his fingers when he stroked my cheek after kneeling down besides me, was that normal for a daydream like this?

"What's wrong with her?" I heard him ask Draco and Ginny. Even in this state I detected the worry in his voice; the voice I had so longed to hear.

"She's not well" Ginny replied. "Hardly eats or sleeps…" It was hard to understand what was going on. Was I finally asleep and dreaming? How else could Draco and Ginny see him too, if this weren't real? I thought mother might be able to see him too- she kept to the shadows, afraid, Zara still in her arms. No one seemed to notice them, all eyes were directed on Harry, and Harry's were directed on me.

"Has she…" Harry stopped when he noticed my stomach, now flat again.

"She gave birth a few days ago. It's a girl, and she's healthy" Ginny replied before Draco could. He looked very surprised.

A happy look came over Harry's face at this news. "Lucie, can you hear me?" I felt his hands cup my face. It was a very vivid dream, I thought.

"I expected you here". Mother had joined us, and knelt on the floor by me and Harry. The dream got stranger every minute.

"This is your daughter, Harry. Zara Lillian Potter". Before I knew it I was holding Zara; she was awake and made soft cry-noises. Her weight felt real in my arms, as did her soft cries. In my dreams she was usually asleep. Was it possible that, perhaps… Was this not a dream? Was Harry truly, truly here, where I could feel him and hold him and listen to him? Had my husband returned to me?

"We have a girl, Luce" Harry said, still holding my face in his hands. "Who would have thought that?"

Zara started to cry for real now; I thought she might be hungry, or otherwise recognise something was out of order. Something was. This wasn't as peaceful as the world was in my dreams, there was never any sound in that. This was… this was reality?

"Are you real?" my eyes squinted suspiciously as I looked at Harry, clinging Zara to my chest.

He laughed, and I noticed he looked weary, but healthy. He was okay. "Of course I'm real. Look, Kreacher brought me, I couldn't apparate in without house elf magic" he nodded toward the ugly house elf that waited outside the cell. That certainly would not appear in my beautiful dreams.

"The Order tried to find me and contact me from the moment you and Draco and Ginny went missing. They found me just now, and I came right away. But Luce, I don't have long". I could see that he was trying to tell a very long story in a few sentences. His eyes kept shifting hastily between me and the baby.

"Not long?" I was, once again, confused. I was only just starting to realise that this was not a dream, and now he was telling me that he would have to leave again?

"Things have been going on, with my mission, and everything… The war is coming to an end, Luce, or that's the plan". He held me to him for a moment; his forehead against my cheek.

"A final battle?" I looked frightened, I was certain of it. I wanted this war to be over, of course. But what if Harry couldn't win? What would happen? I did not want to think of that.

"Yes, that's it. The whole Order is going to fight, and whoever wants at Hogwarts, but I have to get back now. They need me". There was even more determination in both his voice and his face, more so than I had ever seen.

"What about us?" I recognised the pathetic sound there was to my voice, and Harry's face softened as he looked down at the baby. Mother sat on the other side of the cell with Draco and Ginny, withdrawing themselves willingly to give me and Harry a moment with Zara. The only moment we would have, perhaps. My mind was betraying me: I couldn't think such thoughts.

"She's beautiful" Harry said quietly, reaching an unsteady hand out to stroke Zara's cheek. This evidently did a lot to him, too.

"Do you want to hold her?" I had let no one hold Zara, not willingly. When she was down here I had wanted to hold her as close as I could, afraid to have her taken away again. Even Draco and Ginny hadn't held her. It was nothing purposely offensive, it was just a part of my weak state of mind, the only way for me to hold hope.

Harry nodded, and I carefully put our baby in his arms. "Like that. Support her head, that's very important" I advised, my voice weak with emotion. Zara was quiet now; no longer crying.

It hit me stronger than before now: how valuable life was. How I wanted, _needed_, to stay alive along with Harry, just to be able to see our daughter grow up. Zara needed her father and her mother. There were much too many orphans in this world, and my daughter was not going to be one of them.

"We can't lose any more time" Harry said eventually, handing Zara back to me with a look on his face that told me he certainly had not considered this moment as such.

"I want you back at your aunt's house, Lucie. We've taken the necessary precautions and protection spells to make the place safer now. It's easier to go back there than to move you some place new; applying all the spells and barriers you need in order to stay safe would take too much time, time we don't have".

I nodded, having decided to just let everything come over me; I'd see where I ended up, as long as I had Zara with me. I wanted Harry with me, too, but of course he would not rest until he had done what he was sure of he was born for to do.

"Draco, Ginny, you can go with Lucie" Harry continued, but he was interrupted by Ginny.

"I want to fight".

"You're weak, Ginny, this hasn't exactly been a tea party here for you. For all of you" Harry protested, carefully helping me rise to my feet: I had spent the last few days sitting, and it was difficult to stand up with all my limbs so stiff.

"I'm strong enough. You can't tell me what to do, Harry. If I say I'll fight, then I fight". That determination I had learned to get accustomed to was back in Ginny's hazel eyes. I didn't think I had ever known a woman as strong as she was.

"If she fights, I'm coming too". To my surprise, Draco stood up as well, following Ginny's example.

Harry smiled weakly. I couldn't really identify his emotions now. Was it flattery, worry or just a mix of it all?

"You're right, Ginny, I can't stop you. You two will come with me, then". His eyes suddenly stopped on my mother's appearance, standing still in the shadows of the dark dungeon.

"I'd like to stay with my daughter" she said then, sounding surprisingly sure of herself. I don't think I had ever heard her speak like that. My childhood memories always have her agreeing with father or otherwise silent.

I don't know what it was that made Harry trust her; I was too weak, emotional and tired to be able to see reason. Throughout the few days we had been here my mind had learned to concentrate on two things and two things alone: Harry and Zara. Nothing else mattered, though I would have to learn to recognise primal signs like hunger and physical pain again, or it would kill me eventually.

I turned around, and walked over to Ginny and Draco.

"Thanks" I said to my brother. He was so tall now I really had to look up. But I was only a small one, of course. Draco nodded and grinned his typical grin.

"You take care of yourself, sis, then when we get back we'll talk about how you didn't name that baby after me".

I smiled back, and walked over to Ginny. "And thank you" I said quietly. "You were very brave. I wouldn't have made it without you".

"That's okay" Ginny replied, also smiling now. "It was nice to be doing something at least".

Kreacher first brought Harry, mother, Zara and I back to aunt Andie's home. After dropping us off there he and Harry would go back to Draco and Ginny and take them to the Final Battle.

"Lucie, I want you to be safe here, okay? Just let your mother and your aunt take care of you, and of Zara" he said softly into my ear, holding me close in our short moment goodbye. I wondered briefly if this could possibly get any worse, but then I came to senses and realised that this could still get much, much worse. And that was exactly what I feared.

"I don't want you to be gone" I whispered, closing my eyes in our embrace, Zara between us in my arms.

"I'm coming back to you, Luce, I promise. I need to see my daughter grow up". He smiled and kissed my lips that were dry with fear and dehydration. And then he was gone, deliberately throwing himself in danger along with my brother and newfound friend.

It was only then I realised, as I stood helplessly in the hallway, that mother and aunt Andie had not seen each other for almost two decades. They stared at each other as if they were strangers. I knew for sure that me and Draco would never let things get that far.

"Andie". Mother was the first to speak, taking a step closer to her sister.

"Cissy".

We had never spoken of aunt Andie's past during my stay here; I didn't think she'd want to speak of it. Now, however, I regretted it. I didn't know if she was angry with mother at all, and how mother truly felt toward aunt Andie was a complete mystery itself.

Their sudden embrace didn't surprise me as much as it should have several weeks ago. I thought, for the first time in my life, I was proud of my mother. She had chosen a side now, the side her heart was in. The side that welcomed her with open arms just like her long-lost sister did.

There wasn't any heartbreaking sobbing; that was something the Blacks had never learned. Not even aunt Andie, with all her hopes and dreams and pretty fantasies was like that. This silent embrace, however, full of regret and pain and relief, said perhaps so much more than a thousand sobs could ever do.

And then they broke apart, and the moment was over. They would need time, to get to know each other again and forget everything they'd done to hurt each other, but they were forgiven. Mother had forgiven aunt Andie for leaving her behind without a word of explanation when she'd been only sixteen, and had needed her older sister so much. The older sister who, unlike Bella, understood that she needed to talk about certain things. And Aunt Andie had forgiven mother for her weakness. For listening to her parents and her other sister and surrendering herself to their laws and opinions.

"Lucia!". Aunt Andie noticed me at last the moment she could tear her eyes away from her little sister. "Oh darling, what have they done to you?!" She embraced me as if I were her own child, and I loved her for that.

"And the baby! She's beautiful, Lucie, a real doll. What have you named her?"

I was too tired to even reply. They must have noticed it, for I recognised the conspiring look only two sisters could exchange. Mother took Zara and promised to feed her, as aunt Andie helped me up the stairs to take a bath.

It was a wonderful, warm bath, the kind you desperately start longing for when you've been imprisoned for days without an opportunity to wash off any blood. Aunt Andie washed my hair; I was too weak to do anything but let the warm water wash over my paralyzed limbs. Slowly, it became easier to move them, and this spread till even my fingertips seemed to belong to me again. When it was done, she dressed me like I was a helpless baby, and I felt like one too. Then she put me to bed in my room. I was so tired I hardly heard her say that she would wake me up for dinner when she was done cooking it.

I wanted to stay awake; I wanted to stay up with mother and auntie and wait for any news on the battle. I wanted to feed Zara myself, to change her diaper for the first time or bathe her before bedtime, but I was exhausted. Sleep overtook me unwillingly, and when I woke up sunlight shone through my curtains and the clock read 11:30 AM. How could I have slept that long? How could I have been lazy while Harry was risking his life and so many other things for a better world?

When I came downstairs I was greeted by the sound of not one, but two babies. Or was my mind playing tricks on me again?

"This is Teddy, Lucia" aunt Andie explained upon seeing my puzzled face. "My Dora gave birth to him a while before Zara was born". She and mother were sat having breakfast, each holding a baby and feeding a bottle. I noticed Teddy was a pretty baby.

It surprised me that Nymphadora had gone to fight in battle while she had a newborn, but on the other side it did not surprise me in the least. This was how I knew my cousin; doing everything she could to make the world a better place for her children, grandchildren, and other descendants.

"Good morning, Lucie" mother said, smiling hesitantly at me. I nodded and took a seat, taking Zara from her. I buried my face in her soft, sweet-smelling tummy and smiled at her. "Hello princess".

"Is there any news?" I then asked, looking up from my gurgling baby girl.

Both aunt Andie and mother shook their heads. "No news. If there were we would have woken you. As far as we know it's still all going on".

"Where's daddy, Zara?" I whispered to her, her confused eyes could do nothing but make me smile sadly. It was a good thing she did not yet understand this all.

None of us wanted to talk. We were all sick with fear for our husbands, siblings, children, friends and other relatives. We did not know who was going to win, nor when the end would be near. All we could do was hope.

I spent the day learning all about taking care of a baby from my mother and my aunt. I learned how to make her bottles, how to change her, how to hold her when I bathed her, and a lot more. It was a nice way to kill time, but the day still seemed eternal, my every senses longing for a message from Harry. We had the wireless on all day, waiting for news.

At 10 PM they finally reported it: _We had won. _There were no details about everything yet, so aunt Andie and I wanted to go over to Hogwarts as soon as possible to meet up with our loved ones. Mother said she would stay here to watch the babies: she said she had no one that wanted her there. I was not so sure of this, but I let her be. It must be difficult to be brave for the first time in your life. I remembered it clearly.

It was not difficult to find Harry, after I had heard people cheering that he was alive. I knew where to look for him: not in the middle of the ongoing party, but in the lonely corners. Nearly everyone appeared cheerful, happy, but my Harry looked troubled. My arms went around his neck and we stood there wordlessly for a while, just listening to each other's breathing amidst all the noise, silently praying to Merlin or whatever deity with gratitude for letting us have survived this.

I understood now. Harry was grieving. There were bodies, so many of them. Only my noble husband could be the hero and think first of all those casualties, ignoring his own success until they had been honoured and remembered.

"Are you okay?" he asked quietly, always thinking of others first, even now, now he had created us a new world.

_Yes_ I breathed into his ear, my hands stroking his back soothingly. "And you?"

"I don't know. I think I will be". Our hands linked together other almost naturally. The wedding rings on both our fingers still looked brand new; it surprised me how he had managed to keep his clean in whatever he had gone through on his mission.

"Come" I said quietly, guiding him now; before it had been the other way around, always the other way around. Together we walked toward the Great Hall, where we would celebrate victory and undergo grief.

There was grief. There was as much grief as victory. So many losses, you'd almost wonder if it had been worth it. It was worth it, of course, but pain made you blind to that for a while. My eyes went over the grieving family as I stood still with Harry in the entrance. The Weasleys. Fred Weasley. Ginny's brother. _It could have been my brother, _flashed through my head as I immediately started looking for a head as blond as mine in the crowd, to prove that it wasn't. And there he was. I let out a sigh of pure relief and glanced at Harry. He nodded at me, and let go of my hand momentarily to check on the Weasleys while I went to my own family.

To my great confusion Draco had his arms around Aunt Andie, who had a strange sort of calm over her, the kind you have when the world just ended and there's too much pain to function.

"Draco?" I asked quietly, sensing something was very wrong here.

He shook his head and gently let go of our aunt, stepping aside to reveal the body of not only Remus Lupin, but of my only cousin Nymphadora as well. I had to grab the wall for support. How selfish had I been, yet again. How could I have thought that only because I hadn't fought in the last battle and had been through a lot the past 8 months, this war would not have any losses for me? Had I not changed at all? I fell into aunt Andie's arms, pulling Draco in our embrace as well. And then she did cry, our strong auntie who had always made sure we kept hope and didn't despair. What had she done to deserve this? We both cried with her.

That night they all left us alone, thank Merlin for that. Me and Harry and Zara were at Grimmauld Place 12, the house where we would live, finally, as a real family without having to worry about safety and protection spells. The war was over, and the Wizarding World had to be rebuilt, a long process that would be, especially for those who had lost loved ones. Harry and I both realised that, and we were sad over all the losses and happy over the victory, but tonight, we just wanted time for ourselves and our new baby.

We were laying on our bed, in _our _bedroom, Zara in between us sucking on a baby pink dummy.

"Do you realise" I said lazily, kicking off my shoes carelessly. "That this is actually our wedding night?'.

"It is, isn't it?". Harry smiled and leaned over to kiss my cheek and stroke Zara's little face. Neither of us wanted to speak of the Final Battle. There would be time enough for that. There would be interviews, questionings, summaries everywhere until we could swim in it. It was necessary too, because it was very important. But tonight, it wasn't anymore. Not to us. Tonight, we were a normal young, married couple who enjoyed the first night together with their baby. It didn't matter anymore that Harry had been away for so long, it all felt very natural, being together. Nor did it matter that he had missed Zara's birth, for why would it when was here now? Neither of us knew anything about the things that lay ahead of us. We did not know if this would be the last battle fought, or the last loved ones lost. What we did know was that it surprised and delighted us both how in a time so dark and evil we had found and created a love so pure, and a child so perfect, that it was easy to believe that whatever the future would bring us, would turn out just fine.

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**A/N: **Nope, don't worry, this is not yet the end ;). There's one more chapter to go! How soon that is updated depends on how many reviews I get for this ;). So: you know what to do! Xxxx-


	17. Epilogue: Meeting Under White Flags

**17. Epilogue: Meeting under white flags **

It was hard to believe that that strange, unrealistic day of the Final Battle was now already a year behind of us. I remembered it all clearly, as if it had happened only yesterday. All those who died for the better world we were now creating, were missed and remembered every single day.

I had not known my cousin, Tonks, for very long, and I was spiteful for that. But I had learned to value the days that I had known her, and I remembered with great appreciation her bright spirit and her bravery till the very end. She had been a great role model for me, and I would make sure to always tell that to her son, little Teddy.

The days after the Final Battle had been spent mainly by attending funerals. Fred Weasley's, Tonks and Remus's, Colin Creeveys', and many more. After that, Harry had realised he owned the world an explanation to what had happened, no matter how much he preferred to shield publicity. He gave a few interviews, grudgingly allowed the _Daily Prophet _several pictures, and that was it. The world was satisfied. There were very few people who had not been damaged by the war in some way, so we could all use a little bit of peace and quiet. I believe Harry deserved it the most of all.

Today was what we had called _Remembrance Day. _We would all go to Hogwarts, all the survivors of the war. It would, for once, not be an occasion mainly set up to honour Harry. He always preferred to avoid those. Today was exactly what it said; to remember. Not the horrible things that had happened to us all, but the victory. And the dead, to honour them as well. All the sacrifices had been great and they deserved a day like this.

"Are you ready to go?" I asked Harry, standing still in the doorframe of the nursery where he was waking Zara up from her nap. She'd just turned a year old last week, and had been incredibly spoiled with gifts, especially from her uncle Draco. I couldn't blame them; I was certain my daughter was the most perfect little girl in the world, though of course I was not entirely objective.

Zara's eyes were as green as her father's, and her hair still as dark as it had been at birth.

"Ma-ma!" she exclaimed enthusiastically upon seeing me enter her room. It was brilliant, the way she was growing up. She was learning to walk and talk now; Harry and I enjoyed every moment of it.

"Hello darling" I smiled as I took her from Harry and kissed her soft little head. I noticed she'd been dressed in her new red dress, the one she'd gotten from her grandmother for her birthday. She looked just like a little princess in it.

"Yes, I'm ready, let's go". Harry grabbed the bag with baby stuff, and then we disapparated to just outside of the Hogwarts grounds.

"Look, Zara" Harry said to her. "This is where you're going to go to school in ten years".

Zara didn't look like she was particularly interested, though. She clung to her new doll like it was a hundred times more interesting than the huge castle where she would once receive her magical education.

When we entered the school the first thing I noticed was that absolutely nothing had changed from when I'd studied here as a child. Last year, after the Battle I hadn't taken the time to look at the building; of course I had only concentrated on my dear ones. Now there was time. The Great Hall, with its beautiful chandeliers and enchanted ceiling was just as I remembered it. Only the four house tables had been removed for the occasion and replaced by rows and rows of seats for the attending of _Remembrance Day. _

Some people had already taken a seat; some looking peaceful, others still clearly showing signs of mourning. Harry and I found a seat next to aunt Andie and Draco and Ginny, who were already on the third row. Zara was sucking on her pacifier, doll in her arms, contently as she sat down with her daddy. Aunt Andie had brought little Teddy, and he waved at Zara.

"Hey" I greeted my brother, sister-in-law and aunt by kissing their cheeks. "Are we late?"

"No, they haven't started yet" Draco replied, grinning as his little niece went to give him a kiss. Zara was crazy about her uncle, and I was immensely happy that he was crazy about her as well. I was so proud of how my brother had changed, though some annoying habits he had I feared would always continue to exist.

When the new Headmistress of Hogwarts, Professor McGonagall, went forward we all became silent, all traces of conversation dying away.

"February 12th" she started, glancing over the hundreds of faces in the Great Hall. "It is above all, a day of victory. The day when the Wizarding World became a democracy again at last. The day…" she paused, it seemed, to be looking for someone in the crowd. For Harry. "on which Harry Potter vanquished Lord Voldemort". There was a moment of silence before she continued, and I felt Harry shift uncomfortably besides me.

"But it is also a day on which we feel a great loss and grieve for our loved ones that died in the last battle, fighting for a better world. Or for those who died another time in the war, as the victim of discrimination and injustice."

All around me I started to hear muffled sobs. Aunt Andie looked teary- eyed as well. No wonder she did. The first few days after our victory, I was sure she wouldn't ever become herself again. I thought she'd lost everything, every reason to live for. But I was wrong. Slowly, step by step, she got better. She regained some of her spirit. When I told her I admired her for doing this, she had merely told me that she had not lost everything at all. She still had little Teddy; she considered it a blessing to be able to care for him. And she still had Draco, and me. We were so glad to be here for her. I'd promised myself to never leave her.

Professor McGonagall herself also clearly was struggling with everything that had happened. I remembered her always to have been very stern, but now she looked equally touched as everyone around me: handkerchief clenched tightly in her hand, her voice quivering lightly with emotion when she continued speaking.

I felt myself struggling against some tears as well as I remembered all those kind, good people who had died by the hands of those I had once considered my allies.

"Today" McGonagall said, "we do not mourn them. We remember, and we celebrate the victory they helped us gain. We honour them".

"Some of you have volunteered to say a few words. I would like to invite those to come forward now".

I glanced at Harry, who was one of those volunteers. I knew he would not go first, though, so I squeezed his hand and we listened to the mother of Colin Creevey first, and then some people I did not know. Last was Harry; he hated speaking in public, so had kept postponing his speech until he had no one left to go ahead of him. Everyone was longing for him to speak, so whatever he said, it would be okay. Too bad he did not realise this yet.

"I don't usually speak in public" he started, and I could tell he was nervous. "So I'll keep this short". His eyes sought mine, and when they locked on his I smiled reassuringly. I was so proud of him then, just as he stood there like that. So proud.

"Albus Dumbledore once said that 'what is right, is not always easy'. At the time he told me this I was still a boy, and I did not really understand the meaning that lay in his words. I understand now. Those who died in the Battle chose the path that seemed right for them: the path that led them to helping us win from the Dark Side. But also the path that led them to their deaths… We all mourn those who died today a year ago, but we owe it to them to go on with our lives. I know for sure that my friend, Fred Weasley, would agree to this. He wouldn't want us to mope in a corner for the rest of our lives, he would want us to celebrate our freedom, even if he and all those others can't be there to celebrate with us.

Without their sacrifices we might not have won. This does not justify their deaths, but it gives them meaning. A wonderful, honourable meaning we should never forget. ".

When Harry seated himself next to me again, I held his hand and felt even more proud than I had before. My husband, the war hero.

After the service Harry had to shake some hands and talk to some people. I waited with Zara and the rest of the family. When he joined us again at last, we met mother at the exit. She wasn't alone, though.

"Hello, Lucia…".

"Father". Draco and I had stayed in contact with mother; she had moved in with aunt Andie. It was clear she had changed and was ashamed of her former position with the Dark Side. She had never done anything evil, though, so we were able to forgive her. Sometimes things were still a bit awkward, but overall I was glad to have my mother around again. I was only eighteen, after all. I still needed a mother, even now, when I was married and had a baby of my own. Especially now. Father's case was very different. I saw now that his being a Death Eater didn't have everything to do with being evil. It was a combination of how he himself had been raised, and the fact of having gotten in too deep and seeing no way out. I understood this; I couldn't expect everyone to do what me and my brother had done, but that did not take away the fact that he had done some very evil things. He'd been in Azkaban for several months, but had been cleared of most the charges during his trial. I knew Harry had a lot to do with this. I had told him I didn't want anything to do with my father anymore, but he knew me better than that. So here we were.

"Draco". Father nodded at him, too. Neither me nor my brother spoke. We hadn't talked much about father. Both of us longed to avoid difficult subjects like those, preferring to ignore the issue now that we were so happy. We were happy, very happy, though I was not oblivious to the fact that just one thing was missing.

"What are you doing here?" I asked then, crossing my arms. Perhaps it was silly that I was still mad at him, but was I not, as his daughter, able to blame him at least a little for not supporting me and my brother in the choices that had been so difficult for us to make? I had been a daddy's girl for so long, and he had doted on me since the day I was born. I had needed him, and he had not been there for me.

"I came with your mother. We thought it would be… appropriate to make an appearance here". When I looked closer I noticed how broken father looked. All these months in Azkaban had not been easy on him, that was clear. Had I not been so headstrong I might have pitied him.

"Did you". It was all I could say. Draco, behind me, could not speak at all. So I did it for him. I was aware of how cold and distant my tone was, but I could not help myself.

"I've come to apologise" father continued. I could see his eyes drift of and stop at the sight of the grandchild he had never met. Must be painful to him, but I didn't find myself caring much. "For everything" he added, glancing at Draco.

"It's too late" I replied stubbornly, trying not to look at mother's face. I knew how badly she wanted things to be all right.

"Lucia, please…" The worst thing was that I knew he meant it this time. It made it all the more difficult to be hard on him.

"I've changed, you see. I'm sorry for the things I did. I'm making amends".

It would be the easiest to say that he would never manage to make up for the terrible things he did, or that he would never change, but as I had just heard: what is easy is not always right. It was the end of a war, we were all making amends, and so was I. I had done things just as terrible as he did, the only difference between us was bravery.

"I miss you, Lucia" he continued, staring awkwardly at the floor. "And you too, Draco".

I had never seen my father like this before; vulnerable. He looked not at all the Pureblood aristocrat, once so popular. It was what made the breakthrough in my mind. Or at least the start of it.

"Maybe you could come over some time" I suggested timidly. "For tea". It didn't mean I had to forgive him for neglecting his children right away, not at all. But it was a start. A start we all needed to be able to truly move on.

"I'd like that".

Several minutes later me and Harry were walking out of the Hogwarts grounds, Zara on her father's arm, on our way to have a Butterbeer at the Three Broomsticks. Supposedly we had deserved that after such an emotional day.

"You did great with your speech" I said, taking his hand in mine. "You didn't seem nervous at all". I knew Harry was still having a hard time. A year was not nearly enough to heal all the wounds and bad memories the war had created, not nearly. A lot of things that had happened and that we had done we would carry with us for the rest of our lives.

"Thanks" Harry smiled, entering the pub with me and our child. "It was silly to be nervous about it, wasn't it?"

"Of course not, Harry". I waited as he ordered two Butterbeers. "Everyone's nervous for different things".

"I was nervous for killing Voldemort and being the war hero once. And now there's fear of public speaking?". He sat down with Zara on his lap and handed her her teddy bear to play with.

"You know, you'll always be the war hero for most people that don't know you. All they know is the Harry Potter that vanquished Voldemort. But to me, you're my husband. My hero on a completely different level. And there's going to be a time you feel that way too, and then it's certainly very normal and justified to have regular fears and worries. Like about how much money your wife spends on a new spring wardrobe".

Harry laughed at that and took a sip of his drink. We both knew I was right, though. We wouldn't forget, but we would move on. We were given the chance to be a normal family, despite the past I was not at all proud of. I would have to live with that, too. During the war, there had been so many moments where I had longed for death and the oblivion that would bring along. Now was the first time I realised something new: I was eighteen years old, and I had a whole life ahead of me. In another time, I would be considered a child still, I would have been just graduated. The war had changed everything.

As I looked at Harry playing with Zara, pointing out stuff at her teddy bear; his ears and his nose, I realised that it was them who meant the world to me, and that's how it should always be. They looked up, then, expectantly. Father and daughter, already so close and alike. Little Zara held her hand out to me. I took it, and I smiled at them.

**The End**

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Author's Note: This was truly it sob. I've enjoyed writing this story so much, it really pains me to have to say goodbye now :(. Of course this isn't the end of my writing, I can give my full attention to my other long story 'Children of the Dark' now, and several oneshots . I'll always write, don't worry!  
A word of thanks to all my wonderful reviewers, and of course to my beta-reader **Karen. **She gave me a lot of help here and there, and constructive criticism. Same goes to **Fibinaci **and **KonARTISTE, **their reviews were also very helpful. And of course the other reviewers as well, so : thanks! I hope you'll remember to leave a review for this chapter as well, though ;).


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